What am I still to you? Some thief who stole from you? Or some fool drama-queen whose chances were few?

So even though I got a job I applied for another job because I don't think I actually want the job I got. Dropping off my application at the new job resulted in a driving-home-crying-jag that was completely unexpected though I know why it happened.
"There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice"
I'm supposed to go to a wedding today. Who plans a wedding the day before mother's day anyway? I haven't been to a wedding since I was probably 11 years old so it might be a little weird. Also I'm a fucking wreck..haha. That might be the weirder part. Every time I sleep I wake up from nightmares. Yesterday I woke up at 7:30 because I had a dream I got shot in the head. Tried to take a nap and woke up from a different one. I haven't had more than four hours of sleep in I don't know how long and it's making my brain scrambled and muddled and heightening my emotions and making me irrational and just generally compounding everything to ridiculous levels of suck.
I miss everything. I'm bored with and angry and fed up with all of life outside my very immediate bubble. It's weird figuring out that you weren't lonely just because you were 3000 miles from home.

p.s. Apparently The Immigrant Song is in Shrek 3...re-donkey.

I got a job today...

like a real one. Also, completely randomly, I got a freelance design job.

Going to look at apartments tomorrow.

Life is for losers.

Our death is our wedding with eternity....

Oh jesus....watching re-runs of Six Feet Under on Bravo. First the one where Nate dies, now his funeral. Things are so fucking cyclical. I was doing this same thing last year, this time, dealing with much of the same shit. I wish when people left they left for real.



Someone needs some man pants.

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This is my new response to every "How are you?"...

from:ICANHASCHEEZBURGER
Also I decided yesterday that being a hermit is a "lifestyle choice" so now I feel validated instead of lame...right....

Truth Serum

I got very drunk on tequila last night and then Ikoi started talking to me out of the blue. We had a good conversation. She helped me understand a bit more about why things are the way they are, and all in all I feel a lot better about everything. I'm still definitely very sad about it to be honest, but it was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't offering me rationalizations and who understood where I'm coming from. Also, it made me face reality a bit more. After a lot of crying anyway...ha.

I went to bed around 430...and woke up at 8 still drunk...haha. I kept falling back asleep and having super-vivid, symbolic dreams and waking up after each one. I had some grandiose drunk plan to get breakfast burritos and do margarita monday. Perhaps that can still be arranged.

It's just a crapshoot, but it's mostly crap...

"Flowers are Pretty" + "Fucked up Girl" + "That's My Girl" = ME!
My life can totally be summed up by a series of Vandals songs! It's science!

Listening to "Flowers are Pretty" totally makes me think of my tumor, Alexander. I thought it deserved a regal name. Hell yeah, non-cancerous tumors made of fat! I love that my body loves to fuck with me like that. Like, "Oh yeah, you're totally gonna have weird health things but they won't be fatal! You aren't getting out that easily!"

So nine more days. It's making me crazy. Part of me cannot fucking wait to get out of here, to have my own life again instead of just "existing" ....sitting a room all day and night...like I am right now, just being pissed off and in control of nothing. I'm also really fucking scared though. It's not like I'm going back to anything familiar...I mean maybe my room and my car, but that's about it. Nothing that matters will be "normal" or "the same"....who knew that when I decided to stay out here I was apparently making a choice that was so far-reaching and entirely out of my control. And I had no idea, about any of it. Sometimes I am really thick.

If I get back to San Diego and end up doing nothing, just sitting on my ass and never leaving....just "existing" like I am here, someone put me out of my misery. Otherwise I'll end up shooting someone, swear to god. Ha.

Forgive my emotasticness......

This picture is emotasticness personified, in case you needed a visual aid.

.....I've got the pre-bloody vag crazies and I'm just waiting anxiously until my uterus decides to do its monthly attempt at kicking its way out of my body, painfully. Then I crack open the ambien stash. It will be epic, let me tell you.

to everyone, who lost something. and who had to dream awake.

Ugh....I had a super-painful dream last night. It was fucking vivid too. It was sort of replaying things that happened last year....actually it was very much so, but they were happening in the present/future. I'm chalking it all up to my nervousness about going home....heh, it's all I can do I suppose. Also, trying not to let it make me crazy....I hate when things entirely out of your control dredge up so many emotions that you can't seem to shake. I suppose I can tie that to my total need to learn how not to be a control freak. I'm really, really bad about it. Even when it's about things that there's no way I could ever have any control over. I am dumb.

Chris and I drove around and took pictures of all the crazy shit around here yesterday. A gallery will be coming to an internet near you soon enough. I just ate the last bit of my pot pie I made. Jesus christ, I am an awesome cook...haha.

If this is it!

I am having a Huey Lewis attack....Raeven knows what I mean.

I can't wait til my life is mine again.

Losing sight of what and who I was again

Sometimes I don't want the future to happen. I think I'm one of those people that just wants to live in the past. There are obviously reasons that things turned out the way they have....valid reasons....but right now I can't even see them and I'm just pissed off. I'm fucking scared of the future yet I look at the past and hate the obvious cycles I repeat in my life. I make my life complicated, I make things stressful.

I just made some really good food though. Took a pita and put red-pepper pesto, black olives, sliced red peppers, fake chicken, and this semi-soft white cheese on there and stuck it in the oven, like a mini-pizza thing. Too bad I burned the edges and my mouth...but it still tasted rad.

Last time I saw you We had just split in two.

Oh man I wanna watch Hedwig so bad right now...I'm rocking "The Origin of Love" and it just kills me....

So when I was driving back from dropping Chris off at work Steve Perry's "Oh Sherry" came on and I sang my ass off. And it occured to me while I was doing so that Steve wrote that song about his real, then-girlfriend Sherry. And how it was probably good that their relationship didn't work out because if they would've gotten married her name would be Sherry Perry and that is just far to "The Wedding Singer"-Juilia-Guilia-80's for words.

My head is in such a weird place. I totally got called out on my shit on Saturday. I still feel fucked up from it. Raeven and I just had a heart to heart and it brought it back. I think no matter what I do in life I will always somehow hurt the people close to me. I really do need to stop acting like a fucking idiot. I'm sure even in doing that, I'll hurt someone. Ha.

It's like 70 fucking degrees here. So much for winter, eh? It's making my allergies go batshit. I think today shall be a day of being out of it on allergy medicine and doing surveys.

Also, I hate when people comment anonymously on my blog...haha.

Sometimes I am such a piece of shit...

Seriously. I'm really starting to not like the person I am right now...and I have no idea how I got this way.

Anyway, I'm sure most of this is just part of my "I was really, really drunk last night" emotional hangover thing I get the day after. At least I was able to go back to sleep this morning. I really wanna rock the blanket cave today though.

Aside from the drinking last night there was also sushi. And general debauchary. All in all, not bad.

Oh and here's something to top off my mood....Garrett literally just called me from San Francisco. He, Cara, and Chad randomly decided it was vacation time and drove up there. I guess Journey came on while they were driving and it made him think of me. I miss him. AND I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS RIGHT NOW. Ha.

Someone shoot me...

I just realized that I feel like a song written by Morrissey. I seriously don't deserve to live...haha.

If I were any gayer I'd be wearing flannel and a knee-brace.....

Yesterday Chris and I went to Philadelphia and went to museums. It was rad. First we went to some art museum that I don't know the name of but they had suits of armor and some really boring American furniture and shit and a really cool exhibit on Mexican post-revolution printmaking. I super-love Mexican art and the tradition behind it...I think it was one of the first ways I felt conciously tied to a culture that I had tried to break ties with earlier in life....haha. I think the only thing we got pictures of was the Japanese teahouse thing:

Oh....we also got a picture of this sweet-ass ride parked outside the museum:

Yes, that is a flaming-skull covered sun shade. Rock.

Then we went to the Mutter Museum which was super-duper cool. I totally remember watching a Discovery Channel show about it and thinking about how cool it would be to go there but I probably never would because seriously....why the fuck would I ever be in Philadelphia? As I told Chris, "The east coast was never even on my radar of places I wanted to go"...haha...oh life.

Then we went to this Belgian tavern:

It owned. They had Chimay on tap. And like every other delicious Belgian beer (because seriously...the Belgians really do make the best beers ever). They also had pretty much every beer from anywhere you could think of available in bottles. Including a bunch of Stone...crazy. And we ate frietjes....which is pronounced free-chuss (I know because I asked bas..haha) and is apparently just Dutch/Flemish for "french-fries" even though they make you think it's gonna be special or something...haha....they were good though. I wish that place was like...on the corner cause I could seriously rock it every night.

So yeah....that was my Sunday. It ruled. Things like that remind me to pull myself out of my fucking martyr complex...haha....surrounding circumstances in my life kind of suck...or at least aren't ideal...but what's at the core...the shit that actually matters....is rather awesome.

The World Just Keeps Turning...

The same song is stuck in my head as was last New Year's....and going back and reading my post from last January 1st I feel so fucking amazed that through all the shit that happened this last year, not much has changed within me apparently. Though I wish I was on the manic side of things still....how the fuck did the two worst years of my life end up coming exactly 10 years apart anyway? Oh universe....you are a fucking riot.

I had a super fun meltdown last night. I haven't quite recovered from it. At least I've kind of acknowledged the things that I'd been feeling and didn't want to admit. I'm still just as fucking confused as ever though. It's been raining all night and morning....how stupidly fitting. I don't want to be fucking depressed. Also fitting: I'm spending the first day of the new year alone. In a room. Yay me!

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough, I don't know. I think I lost the sense of adventure and the man pants are just not fitting right now, ha. Bas and I were talking about how "newness" is draining....and it's really true. It's all I've had for 2 months and it's so incredibly overwhelming sometimes. It's weird because everything after last spring was a sort of "newness" for me, but somehow it was exciting or interesting or something. Enough to keep me going and enthused about life and doing things. Enough to not be afraid of anything. I feel fucking weak right now.

Anyhow....maybe I should just go cry like a giant pink V, eh? Haha. Ignore me....look at pictures instead:

New Years Eve Party

Oh....and the song I have stuck in my head?
happy new year

january sky like a slate wiped clean
and stillness of air where nothing has been
wait for your word as if to say
another last chance lives from today

happy new year - the world just keeps turning
day into night, night into day
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up the way

dying for change, but the feeling won't last
summer will come and be over too fast
grow into sun, fade into rain
a miniature life to live over again

happy new year - the world just keeps going
tumbling round, screaming through space
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up their face

happy new year to everyone hurting
praying this time it all becomes clear
here when the light is pale and uncertain
happy new year
happy new year

It's by a band called Arco....I would listen to it right now because it fits so perfectly but then I think I'd probably off myself...ha. Happy New Year, douchefags.

There's a reason why I hate making decisions...

because no matter what decision I make, it's the wrong one. I don't know if it's possible for me to ever be satisfied. I figured this out this morning, when I woke up entirely too early. I figured out other random things too. I'm totally done with feelings I think. Ha. Instead I shall spend all day watching porn.

Also....Bas isn't dead! Yay!

Oh....and I'm super jealous of people that are having fun this weekend....which is pretty much everyone I know. I hate you all! Ha.

Godamn, godamn....

I've been listening to Black Cab over and over again for the past hour or so. Something about this song articulates so much of the way I feel about 80% of the time. Jens Lekman feels like my weird alter-ego sometimes.....like who I am without my hardass, bullshit shell...who would believe that?

Black Cab[mp3 link]

Also, I've been rocking this song a bit....it's the second best Christmas song ever in my opinion....that Jens writes some nice music for special occasions.

Run Away With Me[mp3 link]

Pocket Full of Money is still his best song ever though.

Also...

it just occurred to me that today marks two months since I've been gone.

Also...I was telling Raeven the other day that I pretty much look like a lesbian hobo these days. Haha. I never bother getting dressed most days. I don't know if I've ever felt uglier..haha. It's ridiculous.

Christmas reminds me I have nothing....

Man I wish I had the Vandals Christmas album with me. Alas, it's at home. Where, if I was, I'd be listening to it. And then going to the Vandals Christmas show tonight. And possibly listening to my Projekt album of Gothic Christmas Carols. Instead I'm far, far away, stuck in someone else's life for the moment.

I always thought I didn't really have much of a life in SD, and truth is I didn't. But I did have a few things that were pretty much "mine" (or "ours" really, because they all involved other people, traditions and whatnot). Christmas was always "wake up early, open presents, call everyone else and meet-up somewhere, usually our house or Garrett's house and drink all day and make merry and mischief." Yeah....why do I always want the things I truly can't have? Ha. I pretty much know that even if I was home this year, that's not really the way things would go down. Damn this fucking year. It's really been one of the worst in my life.

I guess I've just gotta make it through 2 and a half more days and all this shit will be done with. It's fucking torturous though. Every time I even think about doing Christmas-y shit I start tearing up. The title of my post is unfortunately a reality for me right now. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. Some of it is just fucking painful.

Charles is going to SF for New Year's. Color me uber jealous. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sure it won't be nearly as cool though. Damn you people on the west coast, being "fun" and "interesting".....And never watching tv. Ha.