¡Ay Coño!

I had a dream that Chris and I moved back to San Diego together.
Ugh.
I'm sure part of it had to do with listening to a voicemail from Garrett last night while I was half-asleep and full of benedryl and cold medicine. He was telling me about his move that he and Chad are currently making. I know the rest of it has to do with my stress levels and my bad habit of feeling like I need to spontaneously flee.
It was funny, in the dream I was all excited that I was going to be living like a block from Garrett but then as soon as I actually got to SD I had a ginormous panic attack and was like "OH FUCK NO NO NO WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
It was terrible. Ha.
I have some music posts planned for later today. Just waiting for things to download and such.

Tell me what ritual I should have today..

I'm not a very nightmare prone person, my dreams are strictly of the ridiculously-symbolic type. I've been having insane nightmares lately though and reoccurring dreams of car crashes and others of fire. I think it's the end of the world, because obviously I alone can forsee it via my prophetic dreams....or you know, something is just wrong up in my subconscious. It's pretty annoying though because it's sort of this self-perpetuating thing I think....of these dreams waking me up, and not getting enough sleep, so I wake up kinda sad and hurty and then it's this current of emotion running all day, which I ignore, because I'd rather not feel like shit all day, and then I go to sleep and it comes out even stronger or something. Man there is too much I would rather keep not thinking about. Ha.

Oh, and via all of that comes this: songs about fire and songs about car crashes! Or at least songs I associate with those things, or those dreams, or something.

Fire:
Sebadoh - On Fire
Portishead - It's a Fire
The Birthday Party - Sonny's Burning

Car Crashes:
Marilyn Manson - Just a Car Crash Away
The Normal - Warm Leatherette-I could seriously do a whole post about this song. That's for another day though.

Special Added Bonus Song:
The Birthday Party - Mutiny in Heaven-This is what the end of the world sounds like.

What am I still to you? Some thief who stole from you? Or some fool drama-queen whose chances were few?

So even though I got a job I applied for another job because I don't think I actually want the job I got. Dropping off my application at the new job resulted in a driving-home-crying-jag that was completely unexpected though I know why it happened.
"There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice"
I'm supposed to go to a wedding today. Who plans a wedding the day before mother's day anyway? I haven't been to a wedding since I was probably 11 years old so it might be a little weird. Also I'm a fucking wreck..haha. That might be the weirder part. Every time I sleep I wake up from nightmares. Yesterday I woke up at 7:30 because I had a dream I got shot in the head. Tried to take a nap and woke up from a different one. I haven't had more than four hours of sleep in I don't know how long and it's making my brain scrambled and muddled and heightening my emotions and making me irrational and just generally compounding everything to ridiculous levels of suck.
I miss everything. I'm bored with and angry and fed up with all of life outside my very immediate bubble. It's weird figuring out that you weren't lonely just because you were 3000 miles from home.

p.s. Apparently The Immigrant Song is in Shrek 3...re-donkey.

"She's always off somewhere, trying to wipe some of the blood away..."

I just woke up from the most fucked up dream. I didn't really sleep last night so I just took a nap. I'm not really going to go into the whole dream, because it's long and messy and often times more straight-forward than symbolic, but again there were ghosts and chasing. There was gore and nudity and supernatural bullshit.

Probably the most symbolic of all were the absolutely neon, bright, "don't touch me I'm poisonous" looking snakes everywhere in my house. I mean everywhere. In the dream I had apparently just moved home and my family was like "Oh, we're just used to them, we've never noticed them biting." At times I was covered by impossibly small ones, almost like little worms, smaller than any snake I've ever seen, screaming and tearing my clothes off trying to make people get them off of me. They were in everything, hiding behind everything, all sorts of styles of them...vipers, constrictors, rattle snakes...all blindingly bright, like poison dart frogs.

Phones wouldn't work, or would cut off in the middle of conversations I was having with people. I couldn't escape because my mother stole my car. At the end of the dream I was running naked up a hill away from some sort of demon creature in my house, jumping fences and everything, toward a woman who was standing in the spray of a hose or fountain, slowly turning into some sort of cephalopod everywhere the water touched.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Sat in my room running in circles most of the day yesterday. Met up with Garth and Desi for Margaritas and then ended up heading over to Penny Lane with them afterward. It was nice, the first really enjoyable "going out with friends" time I've had since I've been back.

In one of my random snippets of sleep last night I had the craziest, most vivid dream. I was helping some guy who owned a house on top of a sky-scraper apartment building. The house was very narrow and long, like one room next to another in one direction, and old and dilapidated in an interesting way. Not in a "I might fall through the floor into a pile of ratshit way." The house had all sorts of hidden rooms and doors behind pictures and weirdness like that. A lot of hiding places too. Apprently the guy I was helping found a skeleton emtombed in a fountain outside of the house. The ghost of the skeleton girl was haunting the guy and asking him to help her. A group of men were trying to keep him from finding out the truth about the girl. I remember being chased by one of the men while another was chasing the guy through the house. We had all sorts of evidence hidden in the secret cubby holes around the house. When we ran out of the house to escape the men, they found all of the evidence and took it. The last thing I remember was there was a wedding about to take place at the house, which I believe had to do with the dead girl's fiance (he was the one who killed her??) marrying someone else. I walked outside and saw her skull yawning out of the side of the fountain. Then I woke up.

Yeah.

to everyone, who lost something. and who had to dream awake.

Ugh....I had a super-painful dream last night. It was fucking vivid too. It was sort of replaying things that happened last year....actually it was very much so, but they were happening in the present/future. I'm chalking it all up to my nervousness about going home....heh, it's all I can do I suppose. Also, trying not to let it make me crazy....I hate when things entirely out of your control dredge up so many emotions that you can't seem to shake. I suppose I can tie that to my total need to learn how not to be a control freak. I'm really, really bad about it. Even when it's about things that there's no way I could ever have any control over. I am dumb.

Chris and I drove around and took pictures of all the crazy shit around here yesterday. A gallery will be coming to an internet near you soon enough. I just ate the last bit of my pot pie I made. Jesus christ, I am an awesome cook...haha.

My dreams erupt while in my bed.....

I just woke up. I had a dream my sister and I won a house in California from some weird contest thing we decided to enter. My friends (I believe it was Raeven and Garrett) went out to a swamp to find tadpoles for me to make me happy but they couldn't find them. So they brought me back some frog eggs in one bag.....and an AXOLOTL in the other one! I was super excited but then the axolotl was little and scary looking and I was afraid to touch it and it kept trying to crawl out of the bag cause somehow with its pure evil it could open the zip-lock part. So I kept futily trying to close this bag and not crush it but also not come in contact with it at all. I think I woke up during this epic struggle...haha. My mind is so strange sometimes.