Thursday, June 29, 2006

It was...

the sun coming up over the mountain at nearly 6 am. My night was kind of really rad. I hope it was for everyone else.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I think I've had this kid thing all wrong...

Instead of hating them this whole time I really should have been making friends with them. They really are infinitely cooler than adults.

Monday, June 26, 2006

"If I only could make a deal with god..."

But I suppose that would actually require believing in one first...oh, practicalities.

Weekend = good. Sushi, liquor, tv, tide pools. I needed it. Yay for things that have absolutely no connection to my real life. Or the remnants of my real life because there really isn't all that much of a "real life" anymore except for stupid bullshit drama that I'd rather just blow off because I really can't be bothered to care anymore. Oh, running themes. Run-on sentences as well.

I found out tonight the one person I had left in fucking ghost-town is moving. It's totally rad for him and I'm happy for him, but I'm really sad for myself. Self-pity is fucking stupid. Beer is delicious though and also will hopefully make me do that night time thing. The one with the eyes being closed and the dreaming and all. I'm crossing my fingers as I type.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

"If I could make a list, of my mistakes and regrets..."

I'd put your name on top and every line after it.

I don't know if that's just directed at one person at this point. I most certainly fucking mean it though. I am absolutely done trying to put myself second in line for people to try to make their lives easier. Not that it matters anyway cause I've no one left to put before myself at this point.

I keep doing stupider and stupider things. I cannot make myself care. Not about that, and not about any of this. I'm done with ghost town.

Last night was kind of nice. Disconnect is always good.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I seriously am a bad after school special...

all wrapped up in a fucking broken package.

I had a good weekend. I went to Magic Mountain. I rode Tetsu the super bestest roller coaster I've ever been on. I had other fun times as well. Then I missed my train which I think put me in a fucked up mood for reasons other than the actual missing of the train and that's pretty much set my course for the rest of the week it seems.

I've been to the doctor 3 times in one week. Tomorrow is going to make 4. I found out I have this tumor, but it's not cancerous or anything. What a metaphor for my life. Metaphors are fucking retarded. My body is also getting all kinds of fucked up due to my allergies and now my doctor is worried about my kidneys again so I got all of these tests and have to get another ultrasound and I have to save all my piss in a jug for 24 hours and then bring it to the lab. I feel like a fucking nutcase. I HAVE A GIANT JUG OF URINE IN MY FRIDGE.

So here's where the after school special comes in. Health problems make me reckless. Like right now I am entirely over life and any sort of motivation I once had for it. So I go to this show last night with a few people. I completely forget that I'm on medication (new allergy shit my doctor put me on that fucks me up like a mofo, painkillers for the stupid uterus that is still currently trying to kick its way out of my body) and that I've had a bunch of blood drawn and haven't eaten all day. I proceed to drink 4 whiskey and cokes. I then proceed to drink pretty much half a glass of vodka one of the people I was there with gave me cause she had to drive and didn't want to finish it.

I truly did feel fine for a while. I stopped drinking halfway through the show and I was good. Then the show ended and all of a sudden I could barely stand. Once we got to the car I decided to make myself puke so at least I wouldn't get any more drunk from the alcohol I'd yet to absorb. I semi-pass out in the backseat on the way back to my car in San Marcos. I mumble some incoherent things to the people up front. They drop me off at my car around 1 and I tell them I'm going to go pass out in my car for a while. Which I proceed to do in the Restaurant Row parking lot. Until 3 am. Oh but first I puke some more.

I'm such an idiot. I don't even care. I have no idea what I'm doing and I really don't care about that either. I need something more and I know this logically but I can't make myself do anything about it. Right now I'm just sick of doing everything alone, of facing all of this by myself. Going to the doctor for my tumor by myself and realizing "Wow I could very well be hearing that I'm going to die today and I'm going to have to hear it alone." Then I thought about how I would have to be the one to tell everyone and how I really don't want to do that so instead I just wouldn't tell anyone. HA.

The ridiculous thing is that this is what I wanted. I do get what I want a lot. Then I realize I really have no fucking clue what I want. Ever. I am seriously overrated.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Shoot to Kill...

Is it too terrible that I'm basically living on coffee, antacid, antihistamine, liquor, and painkillers? Those are all different nutrition groups, right?

Something in me hurts. It's all psychosomatic but that doesn't make it any better. Sometimes I just want to feel level without feeling dead inside. It's always one or the other with me, never a balance, always a study in extremes. This will all pass, but the past couple of nights have been so fucking hard. I've lost all will to vent anywhere but here, so just deal.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I think it's done....



I really don't know. It was a fun experiment at least.

Also, it kind of sucks that some of the detail is lost through taking the picture. Especially where the flash hits, which I unfortunately have to use due to the cave-like lighting situation in my room.

If it all makes sense, you're the furthest fucking gone...

As if it's not obvious, I've been listening to a ridiculous amount of Propagandhi. Not that the fact is very relevant to anything I'm about to write, except for that "Life at Disconnect" is my current anthem. Yay.

So surrealism. Last night Raeven and I went for a drive up the coast through Oceanside and around the harbor and such. We end up driving down this dark street and as I look out the window I start yelling and freaking out, "Oh my god, it's the motherfucking batmobile, turn around!" Seriously. So she turns around and we park and some person has a goddamn George Barris batmobile, as well as Herbie, on a trailer in front of his house. It was the most amazing, beautiful, other superlatives, random thing ever. I took pictures but my flash didn't really reach very far, so I've had to fuck with them a bit.






This weekend was such a cliched "summer is officially starting" weekend. I have some rather ridiculous pictures I'll put up at some point. Here's a tip though...



If you are at a giant house party, do not corner three drunk women and proceed to recite to them a 5 page "pirate poem" that your brother wrote in prison. This is the reaction you will get. I think I got up and walked away shortly after this picture was taken. He was probably on page 2 at that point.

P.S. I just remembered that I ended up scaring this guy away when he found us again at some point later in the night by yelling at him about fisting. Yeah, I'm rad.