"eggnog drunk is the best kind of drunk because it's festive!" - me, just now, to chris

Haha.

I just checked my email and I had a receipt in there for Ryan Adams' book. Oh the things I buy and then forget I buy when I'm drunk!

Still waiting...

My bones are not mine
they feel like strangers in my body
and they will burrow their ways out in time
My tendons and veins
are all unraveled
I'm just waiting to crumble and fall
When all my connections fail without notice

My hand is made of swollen.

Today I punched a hole in my wall. Yeah.
I haven't been to that place mentally in quite a while. I don't want to be there anymore.

Marie: i'm glad i only get emo for like 10 minutes
then i'm all like "oh my god i am too fucking cool for this"
ha
Charles: self importance is helpful for ignoring other peoples bullshit

Hear fucking hear.

Um anyway. Life is life. And I hate nothing more than people who are scared of life and scared of themselves. And I need to fucking remember that.

"Liver" killed it this weekend!

So Valerie came up on Friday night and we went out with Joe and got drunk as balls. You can see pics of our adventure here. Then we got in a drunken fight at 5 am and I ended up walking home from Joe's and leaving her there. Cause we are cool like that and it's how we roll.

The next morning I woke up and made her meet us downtown and she, Chris, and I all went out to the rock so I could show them Alcatraz and they could check out hot tourists like I do all week. Here are the pics. It was surprisingly fun even though I was basically going to work on my day off. They were doing some weird Civil War re-enactment shit that day, as well as it was the first day that they opened up the Agave Trail, which is fucking awesome. Good times were had.

Sunday we woke up, I drank some Jack and Coke and ate a few shrooms for breakfast and then we went to Hardly Strictly! We saw Bonnie Prince Billy, Iron & Wine, and Gogol Bordello. It was super fucking fun. I love that I live in a city where I can walk 10 minutes down the road and watch a huge amazing show for free in the middle of a gorgeous wild park. Look at pictures!

For the finale Valerie, Joe, and I went out and drank last night, a few pics of us looking ridiculously fucked up are here. We all came back to my place and played Wii afterward. Valerie made Joe sleep on the tiny couch after offering him the big, comfy couch, cause she's mean when she's drunk...ha. Then today she and I hung out, and around 3 this afternoon I took her downtown, we went shopping for books, and then I left her at BART so she could go catch her flight at 6.

All-in-all the weekend fucking owned.

Picture Picture Picture Picture....MUSHROOM MUSHROOM

New Ablums:

My Birfday

Me, Raeven, Serg

Forgetfulness is a form of Freedom.

What do I do when I'm drunk and alone? Why, I read Khalil Gibran...duh. (At least on random occasions)

BEYOND MY SOLITUDE

Beyond my solitude is another solitude, and to him who dwells therein my aloneness is a crowded market-place and my silence a confusion of sounds.
Too young am I and too restless to seek that above-solitude. The voices of yonder valley still hold my ears and its shadows bar my way and I cannot go. Beyond these hills is a grove of enchantment and to him who dwells therein my peace is but a whirlwind and my enchantment an illusion.
Too young am I and too riotous to seek that sacred grove. The taste of blood is clinging in my mouth, and the bow and the arrows of my fathers yet linger in my hand and I cannot go.
Beyond this burdened self lives my freer self; and to him my dreams are a battle fought in twilight and my desires the rattling of bones.
Too young am I and too outraged to be my freer self.
And how shall I become my freer self unless I slay my burdened selves, or unless all men become free?
How shall the eagle in me soar against the sun until my fledglings leave the nest which I with my own beak have built for them?

from SAND AND FOAM

Seven times have I despised my soul:
The first time when I saw her being meek that she might attain height.
The second time when I saw her limping before the crippled.
The third time when she was given to choose between the hard and the easy, and she chose the easy.
The fourth time when she committed a wrong, and comforted herself that others also commit wrong.
The fifth time when she forbore for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength.
The sixth time when she despised the ugliness of a face, and knew not that it was one of her own masks.
And the seventh time when she sang a song of praise, and deemed it a virtue.

THE SEVEN SELVES

In the silent hour of the night, as I lay half asleep, my seven selves sat together and thus conversed in whispers:
First Self: Here, in this madman, I have dwelt all these years, with naught to do but renew his pain by day and recreate his sorrow by night. I can bear my fate no longer, and now I must rebel.
Second Self: Yours is a better lot than mine, brother, for it is given me to be this madman's joyous self. I laugh his laughter and sing his happy hours, and with thrice winged feet I dance his brighter thoughts. It is I that would rebel against my weary existence.
Third Self: And what of me, the love-ridden self, the flaming brand of wild passion and fantastic desires? It is I the love-sick self who would rebel against this madman.
Fourth Self: I, amongst you all, am the most miserable, for naught was given me but the odious hatred and destructive loathing. It is I, the tempest-like self, the one born in the black caves of Hell, who would protest against serving this madman.
Fifth Self: Nay, it is I, the thinking self, the fanciful self, the self of hunger and thirst, the one doomed to wander without rest in search of unknown things and things not yet created; it is I, not you, who would rebel.
Sixth Self: And I, the working self, the pitiful labourer, who, with patient hands, and longing eyes, fashion the days into images and give the formless elements new and eternal forms--it is I, the solitary one, who would rebel against this restless madman.
Seventh Self: How strange that you all would rebel against this man, because each and every one of you has a preordained fate to fulfil. Ah! could I but be like one of you, a self with a determined lot! But I have none, I am the do-nothing self, the one who sits in the dumb, empty nowhere and nowhen, when you are busy re-creating life. Is it you or I, neighbours, who should rebel?
When the seventh self thus spake the other six selves looked with pity upon him but said nothing more; and as the night grew deeper one after the other went to sleep enfolded with a new and happy submission.
But the seventh self remained watching and gazing at nothingness, which is behind all things.

New Photo Albums

Club Fashion Whore

Margarita Monday

Sometimes I am such a piece of shit...

Seriously. I'm really starting to not like the person I am right now...and I have no idea how I got this way.

Anyway, I'm sure most of this is just part of my "I was really, really drunk last night" emotional hangover thing I get the day after. At least I was able to go back to sleep this morning. I really wanna rock the blanket cave today though.

Aside from the drinking last night there was also sushi. And general debauchary. All in all, not bad.

Oh and here's something to top off my mood....Garrett literally just called me from San Francisco. He, Cara, and Chad randomly decided it was vacation time and drove up there. I guess Journey came on while they were driving and it made him think of me. I miss him. AND I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS RIGHT NOW. Ha.

Raeven wins the gouge-out-eyes contest for today...

However, I am sick. And it kinda sucks. Though it's kind of entertaining because I haven't been sick in so long.

Last night Chris, Bill, Maria, and I drove around looking for somewhere to drink at like midnight. Of course, since this place is the devil there really wasn't anywhere open so we ended up at this divey bar like a block from Chris' house. Ridiculous...haha. There were really, really drunk white trash in there and one of the chicks tried to pick a fight with the bartender. I have no idea what it was over really but I learned two things:

1. When a drunken local screams "cunt" it can sound like there are 3 different vowels and several syllables in that little word.
2. When the same drunken woman screams "I will fuck your ass!" to another woman she is trying to goad into fighting her......it's really, really funny.

The World Just Keeps Turning...

The same song is stuck in my head as was last New Year's....and going back and reading my post from last January 1st I feel so fucking amazed that through all the shit that happened this last year, not much has changed within me apparently. Though I wish I was on the manic side of things still....how the fuck did the two worst years of my life end up coming exactly 10 years apart anyway? Oh universe....you are a fucking riot.

I had a super fun meltdown last night. I haven't quite recovered from it. At least I've kind of acknowledged the things that I'd been feeling and didn't want to admit. I'm still just as fucking confused as ever though. It's been raining all night and morning....how stupidly fitting. I don't want to be fucking depressed. Also fitting: I'm spending the first day of the new year alone. In a room. Yay me!

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough, I don't know. I think I lost the sense of adventure and the man pants are just not fitting right now, ha. Bas and I were talking about how "newness" is draining....and it's really true. It's all I've had for 2 months and it's so incredibly overwhelming sometimes. It's weird because everything after last spring was a sort of "newness" for me, but somehow it was exciting or interesting or something. Enough to keep me going and enthused about life and doing things. Enough to not be afraid of anything. I feel fucking weak right now.

Anyhow....maybe I should just go cry like a giant pink V, eh? Haha. Ignore me....look at pictures instead:

New Years Eve Party

Oh....and the song I have stuck in my head?
happy new year

january sky like a slate wiped clean
and stillness of air where nothing has been
wait for your word as if to say
another last chance lives from today

happy new year - the world just keeps turning
day into night, night into day
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up the way

dying for change, but the feeling won't last
summer will come and be over too fast
grow into sun, fade into rain
a miniature life to live over again

happy new year - the world just keeps going
tumbling round, screaming through space
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up their face

happy new year to everyone hurting
praying this time it all becomes clear
here when the light is pale and uncertain
happy new year
happy new year

It's by a band called Arco....I would listen to it right now because it fits so perfectly but then I think I'd probably off myself...ha. Happy New Year, douchefags.

Drunken Wii

Last night at Alex's

From my Drunk Wii Playing Album

That's my girl- the drunkest at the party. She lost her shoe and found the rum bacardi.

Haha.....man every time I get drunk that song gets stuck in my head....wonder why, eh? I drank entirely too much spirited eggnog yesterday....I remember pretty much everything up until walking in the door when we got home...after that I apparently started time-travelling. It's really rather unfortunate. Go look at pictures of my Christmas:

From my "Xmas Super Happy Fun Time" Album

Today I'm trying to not freak out and cry and live in a blanket cave. I think I might take a nap though. I'm pretty much over this whole "apparently drinking depletes your serotonin and the day after you will feel like a sad emo fuck"....alcohol is no e, so I'm feeling just a bit gypped. I did get an awesome Christmas sweater from Chris' grandma, so maybe I'll put that on and take some holiday pictures....or maybe not. It's a mystery!

I almost shit my pants from laughing so hard....

seriously....this may be one of the best pictures ever...and it's even funnier the morning after.Now you shall marvel at the absolutely tasteful and attractive Christmas decor you can win at Wawa........
Also....marvel at my belt buckle, bitches!

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Yay liquor!