We get further and further and further Further from the world

It's a quarter of nine and I've been awake for the past half hour. I didn't go to sleep til sometime past 3 am and I feel like utter shit. It's so hard for me to sleep here. I never, ever sleep a full night. It's like I picked the loudest possible house to move to, and I thought that was living with Scott and three yappy dogs....go figure. Heh. Granted, I am the world's lightest sleeper but it still sucks.....I wish I had some fucking Ambien or something. Or some real Benedryl at least. That shit knocks my ass out.

Also....I really am queen of making stupid decisions. I leave California and then I find out there's a fucking goth skate night!@#@!@!# Seriously....I think that may be the funniest thing I could ever imagine...and it's real! And I can't go and laugh my ass off cause I'm in the middle of nowhere. Also, on the other side of the country but whatever.....AND THEN! Fucking Schwarzenegger actually might do something useful! Cause jesus fuck not having health insurance sucks. I want my fucking prescription drugs and ability to go "Hey I think I have a tumor, let me go get this checked out so I don't freak out for months!" And speaking of drugs....fuck this place.....yeah.....haha.

I was telling Bas the other day that I realized when we were driving home from Philadelphia that I literally feel like I'm in high school....except without going to school, but then again I really didn't when I was in high school. But just the way I felt then....like that desperation and frustration, that whole feeling like you have no options, you don't own anything, you don't have anything...no car, etc..etc.. ....you don't do anything except try to get out of your house to get drunk because you can't really drink at home unless you hide out in your room or something.....haha....the funny thing is I totally had way more of a life in high school....anyway....so I was having all of these thoughts....and then I realized that I'm going to be fucking 26 years old in less than four months....and I haven't felt like less of an adult, in all of the bad ways anyway, in probably 13 years.

When I was in high school four months would've seemed like forever. Now it just seems like a couple of weeks. Why does the passage of time seem to speed up so drastically as you get older? To show you just how quickly your life passes you by? To show just how much "nothing" you've been doing with your life, how much time you're just fucking wasting, hoping that something will change?

I know that a lot of it is my fault. I made a lot of these decisions for myself. I do tend to sit idly and bitch. I think that's the problem with not believing in anything....you have nothing to work for. You have nothing you want to accomplish. One of the hugest things I realized about myself last year is that I have no problem with failure but I am ridiculously afraid of/uninterested in accomplishment and success. Chalk that shit up to my martyr complex I suppose.

Ha....christ I could go on and on but this is just fucking self-indulgent bullshit anyway. Judging from the past few weeks of posts on here....mornings are not good times for me. Which sucks...I used to love them. I guess this is what comes when you have absolutely no expectations of anything interesting happening....haha.