And I realize that it's useless....

Sometime...maybe 3 weeks or so ago...I made a list of things to do when I was bored. Now the things on that list have become boring...haha. Though to be honest, they were more of "absolute last resort" type of things and thus weren't that interesting to me to begin with.

I've read Metrophage and Blind Shrike, both by Richard Kadrey, over the past week or so. They aren't great, but you know...they're entertaining enough to pass the time. Of the two, I prefer Metrophage, but I've always been way more into cyberpunk fiction than any sort of futuristic fantasy shit, which is what Blind Shrike is.

I've been thinking about school the past few days. I miss it sometimes. I'm sure it's just in the abstract because I fucking hate school when I'm actually there. I think I just feel so under-stimulated. Everything here is just emotion for me. My mind is absolutely dormant and all of my creativity is absolutely gone. I miss angry, passionate people and sitting and talking about ideas and topics for hours for no fucking reason. I miss learning things, on my own and from other people. This is all just weird reflection...and I couldn't go back to school even if I wanted to...at least not until I figured something else out to study...but that requires making a decision...ha.

I'm trying to figure out how to break my lethargy. It's such a self-perpetuating cycle, and I can blame it all I want on boredom and disinterest, but that's also not going to solve anything. I mean, there really is nothing worse than wanting to do things and not being able to, because it's so, so frustrating....but I also feel like giving in to that idea is just the height of laziness. And I truly hate being lazy. I think I just feel like if I just sit back and take it....if I don't do anything because "there isn't anything to do anyway" I'm just giving up like every other miserable asshole who makes this society represent everything I hate...and god knows, I'm a stupid, stubborn rebel before I'm anything else...haha.

I wish I had my stupid, stubborn rebel friends though. It's a lot easier when you have people to bounce things off of, to plot and play with. Or at least people who actually want to do things...haha.