Friday, March 31, 2006

Feels like I'm on fire, it's burning the world through, Don't let me fall without someone to hold on to

I've been listening to a lot of Sebadoh lately, for the first time in years. A few months ago I was in Garth's car and "Willing to Wait" was on. It was the first time I'd heard that song since the week before Joey killed himself, when he gave me a tape of him covering it for me. Ah, teenage emotion. That was 10 years ago. Hearing it again felt like being punched, forcefully and directly, in the stomach. I didn't even know how to talk for a while afterward. I know I confused Charles and Garth at the time, kind of killed the party and all. After a while though, it just made me really want to listen to them again, though I've yet to listen to that song. Maybe I should, it might be theraputic. It's so weird the way we build up archetypes in our minds that are just so exemplified by songs. Or maybe it's just me.

We had a lot of fun last night. Mindless, ridiculous, drunken, bullshit fun. I needed it, which is rather pathetic of me honestly. Pictures are here.
There are so many pictures of Ben because Valerie had the camera most of the time. Silly kids. We won trivia again. It's almost getting annoying at this point.

I'm sick of flaky people. That pretty much means everyone, I think. I want a surprise.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

"If you don't go to him now I'm never going to take you to another prom ever again"

Fuck yes Pretty in Pink was just on again. I so would have gone to the prom if it was like that, full of hot James-Spader-being-a-dick action and wearing the most unattractive dress known to man that was made during an awesome fucking working-scene and having my dorky-hot best friend wear a bolo-tie and having Orchestral Manuevers in the Dark, otherwise known as OMD, playing. Oh and also if I didn't go to homeschool for most of high school. That kind of puts a hamper on prom action I suppose.

So I found some old pictures of when I went to the Pedro Domecq winery in Mexico. I put them up here. There are only 5 or so pics, but it was a gorgeous place and I'm happy I found the pictures.

I also put pictures up from our weekend bender action here.Want to know why I'm drinking cheerleader beer, look like I'm in high school and am partying in a car parked in a garage? Exactly what part of "under the influence" don't you fuckers understand? The pictures were taken over two nights but order is for the universe, not me.

The motherfucking Bravura is making me want to kill myself. It's been the most frustrating, anxiety-filled, angry, annoyed, other bad things, year to date for it. I can't even describe the utter feeling of dread I have over it. Let's just say I'm self-medicating like mad and it's probably going to catch up with me very, very quickly.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I’m lost in admiration could I need you this much Oh, you’re wasting my time

First things first. This just gave me chills like I can't even describe. I'm smitten, I'm swooning, et cetera...

We had quite the adventure last night.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamt I was an astronaut. I was going on a "space walk" or whatever those things are called where you're outside of the "spaceship" and attatched with a tether. My tether broke. I floated around space, waiting to die. I thought about life and philosophy and things I loved. I stared at the the insane things around me that I saw as I floated around the universe. I never died. My mind has been haunted with images of this ever since. I have no idea what any of it means.

I have no idea whether I should be disturbed or fascinated by it. Right now I'm both. My mother told me that dreams where you're flying are supposed to be the best ones so a dream where I'm floating around in motherfucking *Outer Space* should be the bestest, no? I don't know that I believe her. My sister had a dream that I was bulemic and the only way I could make myself puke was by licking my fingers after picking up dogshit. That one is perhaps even more symbolic than the one I had myself. Apparently I'm quite popular in dreamland.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Everyday. Vices.



Drew the charcoal piece a week or so ago. Took the photo a couple of days ago.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

If it takes a life or a couple of days, It's coming together in relative ways...

As an introvert I feel the need to ask: Why is catharsis so much easier to acheive and so much more satisfying when other people are part of it? Fucking humanity and our need to be social creatures. I spent literally all night talking to Bas, being drunk and crying like a stupid emotional girl (I'm really over this whole crying thing I've suddenly developed a fondness for, by the way). The past few days have not been good ones, mentally, and my whole invisibility is overwhelming me at this point, but somehow I actually feel better today than I've felt in days and I owe it all to ridiculously depressing-early morning-Bas's 26th birthday-conversation. I think I have more of a desire to connect with people than I'm really ready to admit.

Today is all about the songs "Born on a train" and "Take ecstasy with me", both by the Magnetic Fields. Go find them somewhere.

We were talking last night about this whole "interent presence/persona" thing. It's interesting to think about though. I don't know how well I can express the ideas around it at the moment, I'm still kind of working them out in my head. Basically, I have little bits of myself everywhere. I have profiles on pretty much every social networking site (though most of them aren't active), I have this blog, if you want to know what music I'm listening to you can look at my last.fm stuff, if you want to know what I'm watching you can look at my YouTube favourites, etc..Even the stuff I link to, the blogs of my friends, all of that builds up another layer. I try to think about how accurate it all is. With the exception of maybe 2 people, everyone I talk to online or who really read this blog are all people I know personally. I think most of them would say that I'm no more or less honest online than I am in real life. Does the sum of all of these parts of me placed all over really equal something truly representative of who I am? I know this sounds all horribly navel-gazing and self-centered, but that's not the way I really mean it to. I suppose all these uses of the first-person personal pronoun tend to do that but it's a blog, what the fuck is a better definition of navel-gazing than that? I really am thinking about this in a bigger sense though, not just for myself but for all of the people I know and the few people I don't really. *Shrug* I find it interesting anyway, I'll keep thinking about it.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The beast it cometh, cometh down....

I think if you really love music or going to shows or anything related you always end up getting asked, "If you could go back in time and see any band, which would it be?". My answer, without any bit of doubt or questioning, is the Birthday Party. Why?


(if it takes a while to load just wait, it's worth it I think)
That. Right there. I'm such a fucking sucker for the junkies.
The funny thing is...my love for the Birthday Party is completely separate from my Nick Cave obsession. Raeven once said she loves Tool because they completely speak to the agressive, masculine part of her. That's the Birthday Party for me. Nick Cave....whole other deal. My favourite song of his is "The Ship Song" for christ's sake...which is really just sappy pulp when looked at with any sort of objectivity.

So where did this all come from? I spent all morning watching the Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "Videos" DVD and live Birthday Party videos on YouTube (well first I finished reading The Time Machine...details, details). I don't know if there's a better way to wake up, honestly. I also raided Project Gutenberg and a few other sites because having all of my books boxed up in the garage was making me sad. Now I have a nice little library on one of my laptops. It doesn't really compare to the whole sensory experience of reading an actual book, but at least it's something.

Today I'm feeling rather invisible. It's not altogether unpleasant.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It's written on the walls of this hotel, You go to heaven once you've been to hell......

Ok, I put up the pictures from both of the hotelventures....right here. Now you can all calm the fuck down about it ;)

____________3:34 pm update

Right, so. I usually just throw up various mp3 blogs and whatnot that I like on the sidebar over there---->

But this one is so fantastic it deserves its own little endorsement. Completely speaks to my whole "Brit-Mod" sensibilites with videos and mp3s from The Kinks, XTC, Pulp, etc..as well as other awesomeness. I seriously wish the Bob Dylan mp3s were still up, though right now I'm totally digging the Pixies mp3s so I suppose I can't cry too much over it. Older links tend not be around anymore, but the archives are still really interesting to read through. I love finding goodness, it makes Marie a happy girl.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Illusion, thought, choice....now only you feed my desire for deception.

Friday a bunch of us went and stayed downtown in this beautiful Italian Romanesque bank from the 20's that was converted into a hotel. We got moronically drunk. Good times were had. It was raining and beautiful and fragile. The rain makes me feel like I'm living in a dream and I could live like that forever. Perhaps that's why everything I've been writing this weekend has overwhelming Jungian overtones. It's a bit frustrating.

I find it interesting to read the books that inspire my favourite works from others, or look at the art, or listen to the music. Then I find myself being inspired by them but feeling like I haven't an original thought on the matter considering I'm being inspired by the inspiration for something I'm already inspired by. It's such fucking recursion. I've just been pulling quotes, and snippets, and bits from everything, throwing it together and leaving it until I can blow something up with it. I still really need some good fiction to read.

I'm kind of really fucking in love with this and with whoever is doing it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

She doesn't have anything you want to steal, well...nothing you can touch....

Yesterday...ridiculous...who would have ever thought that an unexpected nap could ruin one's day? Well let me tell you people, it seriously can...haha...I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes. I spent all of last night writing and looking for a "Reading Rainbow" shirt. All I found were pseudo-vintage, pre-faded bullshit shirts. I did find a "Save Reading Rainbow" shirt so maybe I'll go with that. This morning I found this shirt and really fucking wanted it until I found this one. I think I almost died from lust for it. What the fuck are the t-shirt making people doing reading my mind anyway?

So this morning was kind of fucking awesome for movie watching. Started with some Better Off Dead because god knows my life is not complete without skiing competitions. Then Pretty in Pink came on which was my favourite movie all throughout high school, which is rather funny if you think about it. I want to marry Duckie and totally corrupt him. Ha. Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion because Alan Cumming and hot guy who played Brenda's boyfriend on Six Feet Under are goodness and now Mermaids. Seriously......my life is fucking sad. Haha. At least I don't do this often.

Raeven thought I was on crack this morning. I think I actually might be.


________________4:00 pm Update

I watched "The Aristocrats" the other day and by the end of it figured out that I have a gigantic crush on Jon Stewart. It's funny because I've been watching the Daily Show forever and never came to this realization but there you go. I'm also kind of disturbed that all my recent crushes are on men. I'm going through such a straight phase it's ridiculous.

So Raeven and I really have decided that we are just going to be motherfuckin' artistes from now on. Ha. I was talking to someone the other day and lamenting the fact that it's not the Renaissance and I can't have a patron to support my artistic career. I really want to bring that system back. It would be fucking fantastic.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

If it ain't Dutch, it ain't much......

So after seeing how fantabulously internet-whoretastic I am and making fun of me for it my friend Bas began asking me to make a post about him. "But why?" you may ask. "He just made fun of you for having a blog and a myspace account and for reading other people's blogs." Well the truth is, Bas loves me and really just wishes he could be as super fucking awesome as I am. Here are some other things about Bas you should know:
1. He's Dutch.
2. He's a giant.
3. He just got a haircut.
4. He wore a monkey suit with nice shoes and everything on his recent trip to Miami. Hooray for compromis(e)/ing yourself!
5. He's into MMA, which according to the recently cancelled Heather Graham show "Emily's Reasons Why Not" or somesuch shit, is the "gayest sport ever". The writers of that show have apparently never seen Turkish wrestling.
6. He needs to get laid.
7. He's lived in Alberta, Canada somewhere in the boonfucks for the past year or so.
8. Garrett thinks he is the funniest human ever, which I'm generally inclined to agree with.
9. He's very bitter and sarcastic and misanthropic.
10. He's an artfag in denial.
11. Things tend to happen to him that only happen in movies.....well, gay porn anyway.
12. He has some pretty fucking horrible taste in music, but I suppose that can always be improved on.
13. We didn't talk for like 2 years because he became a dumbass for a while ;)
14. He's a bigger nerd than he would probably want strangers to know about.
15. He has dimples....haha...somehow these do not get him laid.
16. Seriously...he really does need to get laid.

I could probably go on...and perhaps I will later....but right now I need to watch this Gael Garcia Bernal movie I just rented....because he is just the hotness.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Morning seems strange, almost out of place....

Yesterday was insanely fantastic. It's weird because when I realized it was March 4th it brought back all of these memories, because at one point in my life I knew about 3 people with that birthday. At this point I only remember the German :)

So last night Charles, Raeven, and I decided to get a hotel room and get smashed because if we're all in high school again then we've gotta fucking work it right. So we're there, it's a fairly nice place, not seedy or anything. We're all absolutely wasted and Charles says "Hey I saw on this forensics show that someone found a dead body under a hotel room bed and they were talking about how a lot of people hide things under hotel room beds, so let's look!". Of course this sounded like a fabulous idea. So we lift up the box spring to look in the hollow frame that they're always placed upon in hotel rooms. Under the first bed we find three porno mags and a hypodermic needle. Fuck yes! So we absolutely have to look under the other bed. A package for a dildo (with the price tag still on it...39.95), what appeared to be a massaging showerhead, and a jizz-stained sheet that was not from the hotel. We laughed our asses off and proceeded to call everyone that would conceivably be awake at 2:30 or so in the morning. I took pictures, which I will throw up on my yahoo account sometime soon. It was the most insanely funny experience that I have had in a hotel, hands down. We considered complaining to the front desk to get a free room but we were all too drunk to even want to bother so we left everything as it was, except for the porn of course, in the hopes that someone else would have as fun a time as we did....Moral of the story: always look under hotel room beds....fantastic treasures await you!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Tonight we will sleep on the lie that morning won't come...

So I totally forgot that I had a last.fm account because when I signed up for it, it wasn't working for me. Tonight when I was doing an ego search on google, I found my user page and realized that it indeed had been updating my stats for months without me knowing. I almost feel like I've been spied upon, but in reality I'm just too dumb to actually remember anything. Ha.

The last thing I really need is another internet toy to while away the hours, however. ;)

Oh yeah, and I got a new phone and new service provider so I actually get cell reception at my house. Now all you bitches can call me, except for not really because I hate talking on the phone.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Really....

When are cum-stained salty manwhores of the sea gonna get some props?

Motherfucking Universe....

when will you stop torturing me with synchronous actions?! This song has been on my mind, in my head, all yesterday and last night and this morning. And then bam....it's on one of my top mp3 blogs this morning. It makes me feel kinda batty. Anyway, go download it. If you like bands that sound kinda like the buzzcocks and sing about space travel and whatnot anyway. I think I've loved this song for most of my life because of that ;)

The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet I'm not linking directly to the file, because that would be rude. You all know how to navigate.

My nerd parts are all tingly......

Ok seriously....this could possibly be the best thing ever. Joss Whedon, Warren Ellis, comment war, internet.....it's like a fucking geekiness overload. In fact, I think I just came.

Even more proof of my nerdtastic nature....I was introduced to Warren Ellis because he has the same name as my favourite violinist. Yeah that's right bitches, I have a favourite violinist.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I want to suffer in your arms, And when you're naked in the dark....

Wow. Tuesday night was an exercise in frustration that carried me over into Wednesday. Everything I tried to do to alleviate the matter just compounded everything. By the end of the day I felt like a fucking whore, albiet one that was laughing about it. So I did what any one who is exactly like me would do and I got fucking wasted. Stayed up until 5 am doing strange and stupid things. Woke up still drunk. I know, I'm fucking fantastic, I couldn't bear to hear it again.
My hand is the devil. I've been wanting to sketch and things and I can't so I spent all day doing other kinds of stupid art projects. I've also been looking at Trevor Brown's art, which is entirely not safe for work or any other place really. I absolutely love it.
I'm looking for something to read. All of my books are still in boxes, though that's kind of irrelevant anyway because all I've got queued up for reading are non-fiction books and I'm seriously craving some fiction. Any suggestions?