Everything there ever was, and will be, is all there is.

So despite all of my promises of never going back to San Diego, I will be doing just that this coming Wednesday. Sadly someone I was very close to in high school passed away and although he and I were no longer close it's left me in a strange place mentally, as it's also done to many people I love.

It's been a strange past 48 hours. I'm so stuck in my head right now. I feel so amazingly connected to a time in my past that I've done my damndest to sever all connections with. Those years were so important and so formitive but so fucking painful. And now it's all so damn raw and on the surface of every thought I have and every action I make. I'm not that person anymore, I'm not trying to be, but I realize that she still lives inside of me somewhere.

I'm trying to focus on what's good and present and real and alive right now: I have amazing friends both here and there who love me and I love them. There's a guy out there with the same color toenails as me and spending time with him makes me pretty damn happy. I get to spend 4 days with my best friend and do nothing but lie on a beach in the sun and be a little emo and get a sunburn. And strangest of all, being this aware and this connected to my emotions has made me feel alive in a completely remarkable way.

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