Sunday, September 12, 2010

Pardon my lack of recent updates

but you know, life has been taking place. In ALL SORTS of ways.

First off let me just say that the trip to San Diego was an unexpected and well-needed vacation. I really found something down there and every moment of it, even the sad ones, was a true fucking delight. I feel like my head is finally where it needs to be, not just for the moment, but for my life and for whatever the future is going to bring my way. I had amazing times alone, amazing times with some of the closest people in the world to me, and amazing times reconnecting with old friends that I was very happy to see. If you'd like, the pictures are here.

The garden is kicking ass, though it's still existing in the front part of my room for the time being. We've had sporadically hot and sunny weather lately, and I don't want my little shade loving seedlings to burn.

As for everything else, let's just say that transition is the word of the day. Or week, month, whatever. So many things seem to be changing right now, which I absolutely welcome. I mean most of the changes are my doing, but I guess the spark that set the change in action was this new feeling of motivation and ambition and drive that I've really never known. I'm through just coasting through life. Don't get me wrong, it was fantastic and fun and necessary and I don't regret any of it, but now it's time to do something else. I'm not really leaving Neverland, I'm just like...moving on to Neverland University or something. I'm actually making plans, big ones even, and really trying to put thought into my life now. It's an interesting ride, for sure.

I'm also really opening myself up to emotions again. Not like they were ever gone, but I'd gotten to a point where I had such a grip on them that I could basically decide what I wanted to feel and what I didn't want to feel. So let's see where letting go gets me. I do this every once in a while, and I remember how much better it is and how much more alive I feel, and then something comes along and hurts me and fucks it all up and I go back to the "robot" so to speak. What I'm getting at here is it's scary AS FUCK. But I'm enjoying the scary, the uncertainty, the intensity, the tiny moments of panic, just as much as I'm enjoying all the better warm fuzzy things. It's very much like the old "shedding skin" cliche. Everything is still raw and sensitive and shocking. Though knowing the way my emotions roll, maybe they always will be. It's all alright. A lifetime's worth of experience in being me knows that it will always be alright.

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