Confusion reigns supreme!

So take that Chairman Kaga!

Tonight was fucking weird. Not weird in the way of Tuesday night meat-market though. Much, much weirder. I say things I shouldn't. I think I really am just a giant tease. I only mean that quasi-sexually. Some things become self-fulfilling prophecies it seems.

I'm finally done with the devil of a literary journal. I had my final meeting and revision session at 10 am. Once I got home I spent the rest of the day watching "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" which I'm convinced is the best cartoon ever and they were running some kind of marathon of it today. Once it got to the point where they were only showing episodes I'd seen before, my entire plan became listening to Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, and the Magnetic Fields and taking a nap. It was fucking gloriously amazing. Then I started season 5 of Six Feet Under. It's going to kill me I swear. Soooo not the show you need to be watching when you're stressed and angsty and depressed and restless. Learn from my mistakes people! And yeah, I am still stressed. I don't know why, everything is done for now, things should be calming down. I guess I haven't found a good relief......or release, whichever you choose to think is the answer to these things. Ha.

Tonight people surprised the fuck out of me. Some very pleasantly, some not so much at all. I saw a fight. It was not so much with the goodness, which should tell you something because I do love some good old fashioned violence and seem to have a fetish for "bloodsport" so to speak. Ghost-town is bringing out my inner zombie again I think. Sometimes, it's more like my inner raging fucking cunt though. Why the fuck don't I have my cave? Why am I such a realist?

Yeah I know....the real question should be: Why am I such an introspective, narcissistic retard?
Please don't bother answering that, you know other people's opinions tend to mean scheisse to me. What with my ginormous, over-enflated ego.

Now, who wants some machaca? ;)

Sé que no siempre tengo la razón Pero no he olvidado hacia donde voy Ya no siento algún temor Por que nunca olvido hacia donde voy.

Wow. Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to say. What the fuck do you really say when someone you used to love decides they're getting married? Not that this is the first time this has happened to me, but it still blows my fucking mind, every time.

I'm going to be 25 in a month exactly (well at this point it's probably the 7th, so in one day less than a month). I've never been one to freak out over aging, but honestly, I am freaking the fuck out. Badly. I don't feel old, it's not that kind of bullshit. But fuck, a third of my life (if I'm *lucky*) is over. I don't even know how to comprehend that. What am I doing? The title of this posting? All a fucking lie. It was true at one point. I think that fact just makes me even sadder. I'm so sick of being afraid, of holding back. I'm so sick of caring, honestly. If there's nothing after this, why does anything I do matter in the long run? Why am I not running wild in the streets? Why am I trying to avoid judgement? Why am I settling?

I told someone the other day that my only consolation in life, the thing that keeps me sane, is the knowledge that I can cut and run, that I can just leave, at any time. I'm such a fucking liar. I have absolutely no faith in myself to do that anymore and I haven't in a long time. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this.

Yes, I'm drunk. Go fuck yourself.

Bound by lust From what I know Bound by lust Bound by trust

Fuck.

I don't know if I have no idea what I'm feeling or if I'm just at a loss for words over it. My stomach wants to kill me right now. They're bombing at Pendleton and everything is filled with this deep bass rumbling and shaking. It feels like my pulse. It also feels symbolic. GrrrConfusion.

Also....Die Bravura! Die!

Tonight is certainly going to be an interesting night. We'll see which side of crazy I come out on, ha.

Your ideal is a daring courtesan of genius. Oh, you are the kind of man who will corrupt a woman to her very last fiber.

Today was seriously fucking bizarre. I'm rather happy with the outcome. Joe just scared the shit out of me and now I have serious amounts of adrenaline coursing through my body. I know I'm going to be up for a while now. I came to a realization today that made me both sad and happy at the same time. These things are such a bitch.

I was pleasantly surprised by so many people today. I feel like such a hippie in my fucking lust for life, why can't I just be on heroin so I can at least say I feel like Iggy? At least it won't last until morning.