Sé que no siempre tengo la razón Pero no he olvidado hacia donde voy Ya no siento algún temor Por que nunca olvido hacia donde voy.

Wow. Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to say. What the fuck do you really say when someone you used to love decides they're getting married? Not that this is the first time this has happened to me, but it still blows my fucking mind, every time.

I'm going to be 25 in a month exactly (well at this point it's probably the 7th, so in one day less than a month). I've never been one to freak out over aging, but honestly, I am freaking the fuck out. Badly. I don't feel old, it's not that kind of bullshit. But fuck, a third of my life (if I'm *lucky*) is over. I don't even know how to comprehend that. What am I doing? The title of this posting? All a fucking lie. It was true at one point. I think that fact just makes me even sadder. I'm so sick of being afraid, of holding back. I'm so sick of caring, honestly. If there's nothing after this, why does anything I do matter in the long run? Why am I not running wild in the streets? Why am I trying to avoid judgement? Why am I settling?

I told someone the other day that my only consolation in life, the thing that keeps me sane, is the knowledge that I can cut and run, that I can just leave, at any time. I'm such a fucking liar. I have absolutely no faith in myself to do that anymore and I haven't in a long time. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this.

Yes, I'm drunk. Go fuck yourself.