I seriously am a bad after school special...

all wrapped up in a fucking broken package.

I had a good weekend. I went to Magic Mountain. I rode Tetsu the super bestest roller coaster I've ever been on. I had other fun times as well. Then I missed my train which I think put me in a fucked up mood for reasons other than the actual missing of the train and that's pretty much set my course for the rest of the week it seems.

I've been to the doctor 3 times in one week. Tomorrow is going to make 4. I found out I have this tumor, but it's not cancerous or anything. What a metaphor for my life. Metaphors are fucking retarded. My body is also getting all kinds of fucked up due to my allergies and now my doctor is worried about my kidneys again so I got all of these tests and have to get another ultrasound and I have to save all my piss in a jug for 24 hours and then bring it to the lab. I feel like a fucking nutcase. I HAVE A GIANT JUG OF URINE IN MY FRIDGE.

So here's where the after school special comes in. Health problems make me reckless. Like right now I am entirely over life and any sort of motivation I once had for it. So I go to this show last night with a few people. I completely forget that I'm on medication (new allergy shit my doctor put me on that fucks me up like a mofo, painkillers for the stupid uterus that is still currently trying to kick its way out of my body) and that I've had a bunch of blood drawn and haven't eaten all day. I proceed to drink 4 whiskey and cokes. I then proceed to drink pretty much half a glass of vodka one of the people I was there with gave me cause she had to drive and didn't want to finish it.

I truly did feel fine for a while. I stopped drinking halfway through the show and I was good. Then the show ended and all of a sudden I could barely stand. Once we got to the car I decided to make myself puke so at least I wouldn't get any more drunk from the alcohol I'd yet to absorb. I semi-pass out in the backseat on the way back to my car in San Marcos. I mumble some incoherent things to the people up front. They drop me off at my car around 1 and I tell them I'm going to go pass out in my car for a while. Which I proceed to do in the Restaurant Row parking lot. Until 3 am. Oh but first I puke some more.

I'm such an idiot. I don't even care. I have no idea what I'm doing and I really don't care about that either. I need something more and I know this logically but I can't make myself do anything about it. Right now I'm just sick of doing everything alone, of facing all of this by myself. Going to the doctor for my tumor by myself and realizing "Wow I could very well be hearing that I'm going to die today and I'm going to have to hear it alone." Then I thought about how I would have to be the one to tell everyone and how I really don't want to do that so instead I just wouldn't tell anyone. HA.

The ridiculous thing is that this is what I wanted. I do get what I want a lot. Then I realize I really have no fucking clue what I want. Ever. I am seriously overrated.