Cape May County Herald

Ok, so there's this local paper here called the Cape May County Herald and in this paper they have a section called "Spout Off" which is basically like an internet messageboard only...it's in a paper. There don't seem to be any rules or guidelines for this "Spout Off" section and thus....it's fucking hilarious. Here are some of the better "letters" from the January 24th edition....these are not excerpts from letters, they are here in their entirety...also none of them are signed:

"Almost on a weekly basis, the Crest police have to harass the local teens (boys). I was wondering why? Is there an ongoing investigation I as a parent should know about? Truly these are a great bunch of boys."

"I have a test to see how illegals in our fine country can show their patriotism -- enlist and go to Iraq like real citizens, and if you survive then welcome to America."

"In reply to the North Cape May spouter from Jan. 17: I too am tired of the double standard white people have to endure. Why are beauty pageants open to all races, but they allow black beauty pageants which exclude all but black women? I'd watch the WET Channel. I have nothing to feel guilty for. My grandparents were poor farmers from Europe. We did not have anything to do with slavery."

"This is to who ever stole the riding lawn mower from the house on Fulling Mill Road in Rio Grande. How can you have the nerve to steal from a dead man? I hope you got your money's worth. I don't know how you can stand to look at yourself every day. And this is not the first time someone has stolen from that property."

"Whoever says that Jesus is a liberal should be reprimanded for defamation of character. Jesus never rewarded immoral lifestyles. When he forgave the woman who committed adultry, didn't he say sin no more and not more? Secondly, Jesus never confiscated wealth from the people and spent it foolishly and he never hated people that disagreed with him and he never advocated the murder of babies. Finally, he never was bigoted about people that believed in him the way liberals are. It's an insult to call Jesus a liberal and defamation of character."

"To the spouter about rent control: Why don't you buy a home? Realtors can work with you with as little as 5 percent down. Oh, you might have to pay a mortgage and contribute taxes."

"I really enjoyed having my business inspected by an inspector dressed like he was out for a run --no uniform, just jogging pants and a sweatshirt."

"I hope in the future the automakers will put diaper dispensers inthe cars so thoughtless people can stop throwing their childrens' diapers out the window. I am so sick of seeing them along the beach and streets and parking lots and especially my yard."

"Why are people not made to pay their child support? Do we enforce laws anymore?"

"Why do we have 9-1-1? I was on the parkway tonight on my way home from Atlantic City following someone who was weaving all over the road. I had two passengers with me, and I was afraid to even attempt to pass this person. I called 9-1-1 from three different phones to report this person, followed them for 22 miles (to their house) without the sight of even one police officer. The second 9-1-1 dispatcher tol me "I can't help you if you can't give me a better description of the vehicle." (I was unsure of the exact color of this "dark colored BMW-looking car with a license plate that starts with JIP.) I gave more than enough info on the vehicle, and updates of his location for him to be found. Not to mention, there was three state trooper cars parked at the barracks outside of Avalon. How is this possible?"


So yeah.....haha. I was gonna make snarky-ass comments about each letter, but I really think they speak for themselves. I love that there is absolutely no context for any of them. Also, I noticed that they have the "Spout Off" section on their site as well, so go there for more endlessly entertaining and entirely random bitching.