Something strange about me...

When I'm lying in bed by myself, trying to sleep, I get stupidly lonely sometimes, (which is weird because generally if there is another body in the bed I feel all cramped and constricted) and then I can't sleep at all, because I have one of those stupid heads that never shuts up. So I just keep thinking about how empty everything feels, and how lonely it is to be in a room by yourself in the dark in such a vulnerable state, etc....
So that's strange, but not very strange (I don't think?)...the way I deal with this is by sleeping with my laptop in the bed, with Pidgin open. Somehow the thought of this open connection to people I know fills a bit of that void where a body would be...it makes no sense, but I never really thought my mind did at all....make sense, that is. I've been doing this laptop thing for about a year now. I mean not every day or anything, sometimes I've actually got the body in the bed, but when I don't....So I'm about to do that. I took some TylenolPM (tpm for short, yo) and I'm just sitting in this dark cave of an apartment, wrapped up in blankets, with my laptop, waiting for this lovely medicated sleep to kick in.
I feel like this is what the rest of my life is going to be, semblances of connection, pieces of plastic and metal keeping me company. At least laptops can't leave you, though they will eventually die. Just like everyone else.

I can't believe in being a happy nihilist while being an unhappy nihilist...

.....it kinda goes against the definition of nihilism after all.
image via PostSecret

What am I still to you? Some thief who stole from you? Or some fool drama-queen whose chances were few?

So even though I got a job I applied for another job because I don't think I actually want the job I got. Dropping off my application at the new job resulted in a driving-home-crying-jag that was completely unexpected though I know why it happened.
"There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice"
I'm supposed to go to a wedding today. Who plans a wedding the day before mother's day anyway? I haven't been to a wedding since I was probably 11 years old so it might be a little weird. Also I'm a fucking wreck..haha. That might be the weirder part. Every time I sleep I wake up from nightmares. Yesterday I woke up at 7:30 because I had a dream I got shot in the head. Tried to take a nap and woke up from a different one. I haven't had more than four hours of sleep in I don't know how long and it's making my brain scrambled and muddled and heightening my emotions and making me irrational and just generally compounding everything to ridiculous levels of suck.
I miss everything. I'm bored with and angry and fed up with all of life outside my very immediate bubble. It's weird figuring out that you weren't lonely just because you were 3000 miles from home.

p.s. Apparently The Immigrant Song is in Shrek 3...re-donkey.

There's something in a Sunday, that makes a body feel alone...

So obviously the appropriate time for my body to decide to wake up on Sunday, after four hours of sleep, is 7:30 am...ha.
Late night television has had some gems lately....last night Cat Power was on Austin City Limits and a few nights ago Tom Morello was on Tavis Smiley, being interviewed and performing some of his solo stuff. Also, last night I fell asleep while watching Tommy after a few highballs and a night of boredom. I believe it led to some pretty wild dreams, from what I can recall of the 10 or so times I woke up in the night.
As I was lying in a haze this morning, not wanting to be awake, I think I finally realized why my sister keeps moving across the country. Cause man, I was much less crazy when I did the same thing. Of course, where I moved I was miserably bored, but at least I wasn't nearly as utterly unhappy and frustrated and desperate as I've been since I've been back in San Diego. Also, the whole "miserably bored" thing hasn't really changed...ha.

If I had my choice, I'd take the voice I've got. It was hard to find.

Propagandhi - True
Propagandhi - True(Live)
I wanted to include the original Concrete Blonde version as well, but I can't find it anywhere.

"And they all pretend they're orphans and their memory's like a train You can see it getting smaller as it pulls away

And the things you cant remember tell the things you cant forget
That history puts a saint in every dream"

I just woke up and it's snowing! I guess I'll get to build a snowman before I leave after all!

It occurred to me that I spent last Valentine's day traveling as well, driving home from San Francisco. It's really just any other day, but I guess since it's some sort of "holiday" in popular consciousness it's sticks out more in my mind. The things a year can do.

"And its time time time, and its time time time
And its time time time that you love
And its time time time"

It's just a crapshoot, but it's mostly crap...

"Flowers are Pretty" + "Fucked up Girl" + "That's My Girl" = ME!
My life can totally be summed up by a series of Vandals songs! It's science!

Listening to "Flowers are Pretty" totally makes me think of my tumor, Alexander. I thought it deserved a regal name. Hell yeah, non-cancerous tumors made of fat! I love that my body loves to fuck with me like that. Like, "Oh yeah, you're totally gonna have weird health things but they won't be fatal! You aren't getting out that easily!"

So nine more days. It's making me crazy. Part of me cannot fucking wait to get out of here, to have my own life again instead of just "existing" ....sitting a room all day and night...like I am right now, just being pissed off and in control of nothing. I'm also really fucking scared though. It's not like I'm going back to anything familiar...I mean maybe my room and my car, but that's about it. Nothing that matters will be "normal" or "the same"....who knew that when I decided to stay out here I was apparently making a choice that was so far-reaching and entirely out of my control. And I had no idea, about any of it. Sometimes I am really thick.

If I get back to San Diego and end up doing nothing, just sitting on my ass and never leaving....just "existing" like I am here, someone put me out of my misery. Otherwise I'll end up shooting someone, swear to god. Ha.

Forgive my emotasticness......

This picture is emotasticness personified, in case you needed a visual aid.

.....I've got the pre-bloody vag crazies and I'm just waiting anxiously until my uterus decides to do its monthly attempt at kicking its way out of my body, painfully. Then I crack open the ambien stash. It will be epic, let me tell you.

to everyone, who lost something. and who had to dream awake.

Ugh....I had a super-painful dream last night. It was fucking vivid too. It was sort of replaying things that happened last year....actually it was very much so, but they were happening in the present/future. I'm chalking it all up to my nervousness about going home....heh, it's all I can do I suppose. Also, trying not to let it make me crazy....I hate when things entirely out of your control dredge up so many emotions that you can't seem to shake. I suppose I can tie that to my total need to learn how not to be a control freak. I'm really, really bad about it. Even when it's about things that there's no way I could ever have any control over. I am dumb.

Chris and I drove around and took pictures of all the crazy shit around here yesterday. A gallery will be coming to an internet near you soon enough. I just ate the last bit of my pot pie I made. Jesus christ, I am an awesome cook...haha.

I'll never be free, If I'm not free now...

I know I've used that title for a posting before, but it's just so evocative that I need it again...ha.

I was thinking about the concept of fairness and how it's just this ridiculous ideal that everyone has to agree on to make work, and no one ever does. I never expect life to be fair but I always expect people to be....how stupid is that? And all it does is lead to frustration where like...I'm sitting at home railing because someone has done something to make me mad or sad or whatever and they're off enjoy their life and going about their business and I'm stuck feeling like shit....we've all been there...it sucks but it's entirely self inflicted...humans are the least fair things on the planet...why do we expect so much?

Moving on....

I'm coming home, bitches. May as well make the official announcement. It's gonna be weird and bittersweet and all of that stupid shit. Hopefully I won't end up there for too long. I definitely don't want it to be a permanent thing. As weird as it's going to be, I'm pretty excited. Being out here has reminded me of all the stuff there actually is out there. I mean, I'm sure I'll get over it in less than a month, but man that is going to be one action-packed, super month. Anyone want to find a job for me? Haha.

Last time I saw you We had just split in two.

Oh man I wanna watch Hedwig so bad right now...I'm rocking "The Origin of Love" and it just kills me....

So when I was driving back from dropping Chris off at work Steve Perry's "Oh Sherry" came on and I sang my ass off. And it occured to me while I was doing so that Steve wrote that song about his real, then-girlfriend Sherry. And how it was probably good that their relationship didn't work out because if they would've gotten married her name would be Sherry Perry and that is just far to "The Wedding Singer"-Juilia-Guilia-80's for words.

My head is in such a weird place. I totally got called out on my shit on Saturday. I still feel fucked up from it. Raeven and I just had a heart to heart and it brought it back. I think no matter what I do in life I will always somehow hurt the people close to me. I really do need to stop acting like a fucking idiot. I'm sure even in doing that, I'll hurt someone. Ha.

It's like 70 fucking degrees here. So much for winter, eh? It's making my allergies go batshit. I think today shall be a day of being out of it on allergy medicine and doing surveys.

Also, I hate when people comment anonymously on my blog...haha.

And I realize that it's useless....

Sometime...maybe 3 weeks or so ago...I made a list of things to do when I was bored. Now the things on that list have become boring...haha. Though to be honest, they were more of "absolute last resort" type of things and thus weren't that interesting to me to begin with.

I've read Metrophage and Blind Shrike, both by Richard Kadrey, over the past week or so. They aren't great, but you know...they're entertaining enough to pass the time. Of the two, I prefer Metrophage, but I've always been way more into cyberpunk fiction than any sort of futuristic fantasy shit, which is what Blind Shrike is.

I've been thinking about school the past few days. I miss it sometimes. I'm sure it's just in the abstract because I fucking hate school when I'm actually there. I think I just feel so under-stimulated. Everything here is just emotion for me. My mind is absolutely dormant and all of my creativity is absolutely gone. I miss angry, passionate people and sitting and talking about ideas and topics for hours for no fucking reason. I miss learning things, on my own and from other people. This is all just weird reflection...and I couldn't go back to school even if I wanted to...at least not until I figured something else out to study...but that requires making a decision...ha.

I'm trying to figure out how to break my lethargy. It's such a self-perpetuating cycle, and I can blame it all I want on boredom and disinterest, but that's also not going to solve anything. I mean, there really is nothing worse than wanting to do things and not being able to, because it's so, so frustrating....but I also feel like giving in to that idea is just the height of laziness. And I truly hate being lazy. I think I just feel like if I just sit back and take it....if I don't do anything because "there isn't anything to do anyway" I'm just giving up like every other miserable asshole who makes this society represent everything I hate...and god knows, I'm a stupid, stubborn rebel before I'm anything else...haha.

I wish I had my stupid, stubborn rebel friends though. It's a lot easier when you have people to bounce things off of, to plot and play with. Or at least people who actually want to do things...haha.

We get further and further and further Further from the world

It's a quarter of nine and I've been awake for the past half hour. I didn't go to sleep til sometime past 3 am and I feel like utter shit. It's so hard for me to sleep here. I never, ever sleep a full night. It's like I picked the loudest possible house to move to, and I thought that was living with Scott and three yappy dogs....go figure. Heh. Granted, I am the world's lightest sleeper but it still sucks.....I wish I had some fucking Ambien or something. Or some real Benedryl at least. That shit knocks my ass out.

Also....I really am queen of making stupid decisions. I leave California and then I find out there's a fucking goth skate night!@#@!@!# Seriously....I think that may be the funniest thing I could ever imagine...and it's real! And I can't go and laugh my ass off cause I'm in the middle of nowhere. Also, on the other side of the country but whatever.....AND THEN! Fucking Schwarzenegger actually might do something useful! Cause jesus fuck not having health insurance sucks. I want my fucking prescription drugs and ability to go "Hey I think I have a tumor, let me go get this checked out so I don't freak out for months!" And speaking of drugs....fuck this place.....yeah.....haha.

I was telling Bas the other day that I realized when we were driving home from Philadelphia that I literally feel like I'm in high school....except without going to school, but then again I really didn't when I was in high school. But just the way I felt then....like that desperation and frustration, that whole feeling like you have no options, you don't own anything, you don't have anything...no car, etc..etc.. ....you don't do anything except try to get out of your house to get drunk because you can't really drink at home unless you hide out in your room or something.....haha....the funny thing is I totally had way more of a life in high school....anyway....so I was having all of these thoughts....and then I realized that I'm going to be fucking 26 years old in less than four months....and I haven't felt like less of an adult, in all of the bad ways anyway, in probably 13 years.

When I was in high school four months would've seemed like forever. Now it just seems like a couple of weeks. Why does the passage of time seem to speed up so drastically as you get older? To show you just how quickly your life passes you by? To show just how much "nothing" you've been doing with your life, how much time you're just fucking wasting, hoping that something will change?

I know that a lot of it is my fault. I made a lot of these decisions for myself. I do tend to sit idly and bitch. I think that's the problem with not believing in anything....you have nothing to work for. You have nothing you want to accomplish. One of the hugest things I realized about myself last year is that I have no problem with failure but I am ridiculously afraid of/uninterested in accomplishment and success. Chalk that shit up to my martyr complex I suppose.

Ha....christ I could go on and on but this is just fucking self-indulgent bullshit anyway. Judging from the past few weeks of posts on here....mornings are not good times for me. Which sucks...I used to love them. I guess this is what comes when you have absolutely no expectations of anything interesting happening....haha.

If I were any gayer I'd be wearing flannel and a knee-brace.....

Yesterday Chris and I went to Philadelphia and went to museums. It was rad. First we went to some art museum that I don't know the name of but they had suits of armor and some really boring American furniture and shit and a really cool exhibit on Mexican post-revolution printmaking. I super-love Mexican art and the tradition behind it...I think it was one of the first ways I felt conciously tied to a culture that I had tried to break ties with earlier in life....haha. I think the only thing we got pictures of was the Japanese teahouse thing:

Oh....we also got a picture of this sweet-ass ride parked outside the museum:

Yes, that is a flaming-skull covered sun shade. Rock.

Then we went to the Mutter Museum which was super-duper cool. I totally remember watching a Discovery Channel show about it and thinking about how cool it would be to go there but I probably never would because seriously....why the fuck would I ever be in Philadelphia? As I told Chris, "The east coast was never even on my radar of places I wanted to go"...haha...oh life.

Then we went to this Belgian tavern:

It owned. They had Chimay on tap. And like every other delicious Belgian beer (because seriously...the Belgians really do make the best beers ever). They also had pretty much every beer from anywhere you could think of available in bottles. Including a bunch of Stone...crazy. And we ate frietjes....which is pronounced free-chuss (I know because I asked bas..haha) and is apparently just Dutch/Flemish for "french-fries" even though they make you think it's gonna be special or something...haha....they were good though. I wish that place was like...on the corner cause I could seriously rock it every night.

So yeah....that was my Sunday. It ruled. Things like that remind me to pull myself out of my fucking martyr complex...haha....surrounding circumstances in my life kind of suck...or at least aren't ideal...but what's at the core...the shit that actually matters....is rather awesome.

The World Just Keeps Turning...

The same song is stuck in my head as was last New Year's....and going back and reading my post from last January 1st I feel so fucking amazed that through all the shit that happened this last year, not much has changed within me apparently. Though I wish I was on the manic side of things still....how the fuck did the two worst years of my life end up coming exactly 10 years apart anyway? Oh universe....you are a fucking riot.

I had a super fun meltdown last night. I haven't quite recovered from it. At least I've kind of acknowledged the things that I'd been feeling and didn't want to admit. I'm still just as fucking confused as ever though. It's been raining all night and morning....how stupidly fitting. I don't want to be fucking depressed. Also fitting: I'm spending the first day of the new year alone. In a room. Yay me!

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough, I don't know. I think I lost the sense of adventure and the man pants are just not fitting right now, ha. Bas and I were talking about how "newness" is draining....and it's really true. It's all I've had for 2 months and it's so incredibly overwhelming sometimes. It's weird because everything after last spring was a sort of "newness" for me, but somehow it was exciting or interesting or something. Enough to keep me going and enthused about life and doing things. Enough to not be afraid of anything. I feel fucking weak right now.

Anyhow....maybe I should just go cry like a giant pink V, eh? Haha. Ignore me....look at pictures instead:

New Years Eve Party

Oh....and the song I have stuck in my head?
happy new year

january sky like a slate wiped clean
and stillness of air where nothing has been
wait for your word as if to say
another last chance lives from today

happy new year - the world just keeps turning
day into night, night into day
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up the way

dying for change, but the feeling won't last
summer will come and be over too fast
grow into sun, fade into rain
a miniature life to live over again

happy new year - the world just keeps going
tumbling round, screaming through space
holding on tight, millions all hoping
something like love will light up their face

happy new year to everyone hurting
praying this time it all becomes clear
here when the light is pale and uncertain
happy new year
happy new year

It's by a band called Arco....I would listen to it right now because it fits so perfectly but then I think I'd probably off myself...ha. Happy New Year, douchefags.

There's a reason why I hate making decisions...

because no matter what decision I make, it's the wrong one. I don't know if it's possible for me to ever be satisfied. I figured this out this morning, when I woke up entirely too early. I figured out other random things too. I'm totally done with feelings I think. Ha. Instead I shall spend all day watching porn.

Also....Bas isn't dead! Yay!

Oh....and I'm super jealous of people that are having fun this weekend....which is pretty much everyone I know. I hate you all! Ha.

Godamn, godamn....

I've been listening to Black Cab over and over again for the past hour or so. Something about this song articulates so much of the way I feel about 80% of the time. Jens Lekman feels like my weird alter-ego sometimes.....like who I am without my hardass, bullshit shell...who would believe that?

Black Cab[mp3 link]

Also, I've been rocking this song a bit....it's the second best Christmas song ever in my opinion....that Jens writes some nice music for special occasions.

Run Away With Me[mp3 link]

Pocket Full of Money is still his best song ever though.

Also...

it just occurred to me that today marks two months since I've been gone.

Also...I was telling Raeven the other day that I pretty much look like a lesbian hobo these days. Haha. I never bother getting dressed most days. I don't know if I've ever felt uglier..haha. It's ridiculous.

Christmas reminds me I have nothing....

Man I wish I had the Vandals Christmas album with me. Alas, it's at home. Where, if I was, I'd be listening to it. And then going to the Vandals Christmas show tonight. And possibly listening to my Projekt album of Gothic Christmas Carols. Instead I'm far, far away, stuck in someone else's life for the moment.

I always thought I didn't really have much of a life in SD, and truth is I didn't. But I did have a few things that were pretty much "mine" (or "ours" really, because they all involved other people, traditions and whatnot). Christmas was always "wake up early, open presents, call everyone else and meet-up somewhere, usually our house or Garrett's house and drink all day and make merry and mischief." Yeah....why do I always want the things I truly can't have? Ha. I pretty much know that even if I was home this year, that's not really the way things would go down. Damn this fucking year. It's really been one of the worst in my life.

I guess I've just gotta make it through 2 and a half more days and all this shit will be done with. It's fucking torturous though. Every time I even think about doing Christmas-y shit I start tearing up. The title of my post is unfortunately a reality for me right now. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. Some of it is just fucking painful.

Charles is going to SF for New Year's. Color me uber jealous. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sure it won't be nearly as cool though. Damn you people on the west coast, being "fun" and "interesting".....And never watching tv. Ha.