Crawl away, silly spider

I have very vivid memories attached to this sculpture.

Hopefully they crawl away soon too.

My New Place

Fireplace, Books, originally uploaded by primalux.

Moving, Part 1.
Pictures taken after a week of living in my new place.

I'm running into walls and I'm too stupid to stop it.

I think when you invest time and emotion in something and you see progress it's so much harder to let that thing go. Reality becomes all clouded by this idea of possibility or curiosity, which has really always been my downfall. I don't ever want to be so cynical as to think I can predict the future. I always want to be curious. I always want to be thrilled and excited by the unknown and the concept of "possibility".

..but i will always be curious. life is just too damn precious for it not to mean fucking everything all the time.

Ryan Adams wrote that on his old blog. Nothing has ever summed up the only "meaning" I've found in existence so succinctly.

The downfall of that is I get trapped in these tangled situations because I decide that someone or something is "worth it" and I want them to share in this experience of life. I need to remember that some people don't want that. Some people want to live in the past. Some people want to be trapped in memories and idealized, romanticized vignettes in their heads. I would rather die than lived trapped in my head again. I would rather die than think the only thing I have to look forward to is the past and all the things I've already done.

Things are a little bit difficult because for the first time as an adult I'm really, really alone. I have no close friends up here now, with the exception of Chris but we now no longer live together and it's complicated anyway. Plus he's going back to Jersey for a month. I have no one I'm dating or even seeing at this point. I've been really dissatisfied with everyone I've met up here for the most part. I don't feel like carrying on some random sex thing with someone because it just seems like too much work. I don't think I really ever want to be in a relationship again, or at least not for a long time, so that kind of limits the kind of people I'm going to meet, but I also don't really feel like going through all the torture of getting to know someone anyway. Anyway, this somewhat limits my activities because while I'm not totally opposed to doing things alone or anything, I really dislike going to shows alone or going to bars alone or dinner alone. Plus doing all those things just invites random dudes to come and try to hit on me, which is profoundly annoying. So I'm sort of in this mode where I just want to cloister myself, but I also know that's just too easy of a trap for me to fall into. And that I will go insane and not be happy at all anyway.

I will figure this all out in time I know. It's just all exploded out of nowhere this weekend and so this is the first time I've really been thinking a lot about it.

Alcatrash

Alcatrash 1, originally uploaded by stubbornbeauty.

Best drunk picture ever

Heartbeats & Covers

So this is possibly my favorite song by The Knife:

If you don't know, The Knife are this crazy electronic, Bjork-esque brother-sister music group from Sweden and I ♥ them a lot.

I was watching crappy TV in the morning as I often do on my days off, and I heard this cover of Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez on that "Bones" show:

It definitely fits into that whole mellow/folksy/acoustic thing I love.

In searching on YouTube for that video, I also found this one. It's a cover by a Belgian girls choir called Scala & Kolacny Brothers:

Since I grew up singing in choirs I think I might have a special love for them, but also it's pretty awesome anyway.

I am hopeless.

So I know I just did a post about an amazing Bonnie Prince Billy song, but this may be THE MOST AMAZING BONNIE PRINCE BILLY SONG EVVVVAAAARRR!!!!!1!!

Seriously though. Every time I hear it I'm like "WTF universe. All songs should be this awesome"

(mp3 link) Bonnie Prince Billy - Birch Ballad

I will always be a wolf among wolves

This song is my newest obsession.

She loves a soul,
That I've never been
A dog among dogs,
A man among men
And every day,
When I come home to her
She holds a phantom,
She kisses and she hugs him
And I am not
Averse to how she loves him
Why must I live and walk,
Unloved as what I am

Why can't I be loved as what I am
A wolf among wolves, and not as a man
Among men

She craves a home
That she can go in
A sheltered cave,
That I have never seen
Not in my life,
And not even in my dreams

Why can't I be loved as what I am
A wolf among wolves, and not as a man
Among men

I want to be a kid forever

The trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are" came >< this close to making me cry.

I want to be a kid forever. And so I will be.

I hate these moments

When you realize that you really should have known better. I guess sometimes optimism or idealism gets the best of me, as cynical as I am. Everyone wants to believe that something that seems amazing is actually real, and actually *that* amazing. And so it goes.

I'm going to be moving soon. Nothing huge and dramatic, just up the street from where I'm living now. Nice room, cool people, found it on Craigslist. It occurred to me though that this will be the first time I'll be living alone (in my own room anyway) in my entire adult life. There was a small period there after Charles and I broke up where I had my own room, but I was staying with my Mom while trying to get back on my feet so I don't think it really counts. I wasn't even paying rent and I actually rarely ever stayed there.

So here's a new adventure. Hopefully it will take my mind off the things that are eating away at my insides right now. Adventures are usually good for that.

New Mixtape.

Sea Turtles are the new Dolphins....

I was explaining this to Robbie and Logan on the boat the other day. Someone started laughing about sea turtle tattoos as if they don't exist or something. I was adamant that I'd seen them before.

Apparently I'm not the only one.

GQ interviews Tom Waits

I really wasn’t part of a scene. I didn’t want to be part of a scene. I wanted to take it all in—and then kind of, y’know, set it all on fire and see what remained.

Ever get the feeling you've been had?

-- Dennis Keogh of Phoenix, who is a professional Sean Connery look-alike, revealed to his San Francisco pal Tom Kasinger that he was the person who'd visited Alcatraz on Sunday and also dined at Pier 39's Forbes Island Restaurant. People didn't mistakenly identify him as Connery; Keogh's agent had called ahead of time and said Connery was coming. Keogh told his pal he actually "felt bad signing the ranger's hat, but he insisted."

As Garrett so eloquently put it, what a "dirty fraud fuckface".

Who is one of the top image search result for "happy nihilist"?

Oh right, it's me.
I guess dreams do come true.

Totes a perv

(11:15:27 PM) Chris: i'm going to come in there and poop on your face
(11:15:30 PM) Marie: EW
(11:15:33 PM) Marie: that's just rude
(11:15:51 PM) Marie: also that's going on my blog so that everyone can see what a sicko you are
(11:16:56 PM) Chris: well if that's the case i'm going to jizz in your hair when you're asleep

Lickity-split update time

• Sean Connery came to the island yesterday. Seriously. And I totally missed seeing or meeting him because that's apparently my fate at work.
• I bought a new laptop. It's the first new computer I've ever bought, and the first brand new computer I've had since I was like 16. Here is a picture.
• Logan, Logan's girlfriend Danielle, Robbie, and I, and assorted other Alcatrash, have begun a weekly drinking on Thursday thing, spawned from the original Traz-O-Rama, only now we get drunk and make collages. It's kind of fucking amazing. Pictures are here. More get added weekly.
• We are gonna start an Alcatraz blog, about the ridiculous shit that happens on the island. I will keep you all posted on when that goes up. Until then, you can entertain yourself with the Alcatraz Island Twitter feed, run by our own Ranger Craig.
• I got to go on a man overboard drill done by Alcatraz Cruises. It was pretty humorous. And it wasted like an hour of my workday. Pictures are here.
• I'm looking for a new apartment come April or May. Anyone need a roommate in SF?
  

R.I.P. Lux

I saw The Cramps play when in 1997, when I was 16. (It sounds like a long time ago and kind of impressive, except I know there are people out there who are like "Whatever, I saw them in 1978 when I was 12" or some shit, as the punks and goths are prone to doing.) Anyway, they played for 3 hours and Lux stalked around the stage in his heels and PVC catsuit and talked so much awesome shit to the audience (most of whom were not there to see them, but were teenagers who hung out at this all-ages club nightly) about how he was "punk rock before it was all about studded bracelets and shit" and it was amazing and hilarious and so much fun. It was absolutely the best show I've ever seen in my life. I am so seriously sad that can't ever happen again.

Lux Interior, you were too fucking awesome.

And he kept playing shows, still all balls out I'm sure, until he was 60. Good. Lord.

I also used to have a double sided poster of The Cramps hanging on my wall that had a band picture on one side and the cover for "Flamejob" on the other side. It was a promo-poster they sent out for the album when it came out and the dude who worked at the record store across from my high school gave it to me cause I was a gothy punk rock 13 year old and he figured I was a fan. And he said "This will probably be the ugliest poster in your room" I guess referring to Lux and the boys, cause Poison Ivy looks pretty damn sexy on that Flamejob side. And I would totally rock out to "Let's Get Fucked Up" and try to decide what side I wanted to put up on my wall each month.

I really wish I still had that poster.

You know you're jealous.

Suck it, bitches!

HOLY SHIT

Leonard Cohen and Throbbing Gristle are both playing Coachella this year.

/me fucking dies of bliss.

I want to print this out

and put it above my bed.
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