I think when you invest time and emotion in something and you see progress it's so much harder to let that thing go. Reality becomes all clouded by this idea of possibility or curiosity, which has really always been my downfall. I don't ever want to be so cynical as to think I can predict the future. I always want to be curious. I always want to be thrilled and excited by the unknown and the concept of "possibility".
..but i will always be curious. life is just too damn precious for it not to mean fucking everything all the time.
Ryan Adams wrote that on his old blog. Nothing has ever summed up the only "meaning" I've found in existence so succinctly.
The downfall of that is I get trapped in these tangled situations because I decide that someone or something is "worth it" and I want them to share in this experience of life. I need to remember that some people don't want that. Some people want to live in the past. Some people want to be trapped in memories and idealized, romanticized vignettes in their heads. I would rather die than lived trapped in my head again. I would rather die than think the only thing I have to look forward to is the past and all the things I've already done.
Things are a little bit difficult because for the first time as an adult I'm really, really alone. I have no close friends up here now, with the exception of Chris but we now no longer live together and it's complicated anyway. Plus he's going back to Jersey for a month. I have no one I'm dating or even seeing at this point. I've been really dissatisfied with everyone I've met up here for the most part. I don't feel like carrying on some random sex thing with someone because it just seems like too much work. I don't think I really ever want to be in a relationship again, or at least not for a long time, so that kind of limits the kind of people I'm going to meet, but I also don't really feel like going through all the torture of getting to know someone anyway. Anyway, this somewhat limits my activities because while I'm not totally opposed to doing things alone or anything, I really dislike going to shows alone or going to bars alone or dinner alone. Plus doing all those things just invites random dudes to come and try to hit on me, which is profoundly annoying. So I'm sort of in this mode where I just want to cloister myself, but I also know that's just too easy of a trap for me to fall into. And that I will go insane and not be happy at all anyway.
I will figure this all out in time I know. It's just all exploded out of nowhere this weekend and so this is the first time I've really been thinking a lot about it.
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