Lies are for cool kids...

Garth and I are not cool to a ridiculous degree. UKK represent!

You know what's fun?

Yeah, me either. But I'm determined to find out. It's either this or build a permanent blanket cave.

Which, now that I think about it, would be Fucking Awesome.

Awwww.

So sad. Apparently I've set off some sort of bullshit drama reaction with one of my posts. Sorry, wasn't really aware people who I only know peripherally are for some reason reading my blog. But yeah....it's not like I was naming names. I fucking rant on here. I vent. I'm angry for no fucking reason sometimes. So I said some fucked up things. I also acknowledged that I was being childish and that logically I was in the wrong. So....Get.Over.It. I'm not trying to start some chain reaction bullshit either. I seriously don't care.

Photosmorgasbord

So I'm playing around with Picasa and its new web album thing so all new pictures can be found here, as well as a few older-but-on-the-newer-end
galleries.

I also made public a bunch of galleries that were formerly set to private on my yahoo account though most of them honestly aren't of much interest to anyone but those in the pictures. Ha.

Has it gotten old yet?

Cause it seriously has for me. I swear at this point I'm wary of waking up and making contact with the world because some other sort of bullshit is going to be brought to my attention. In fact, I would have liked to be able to live all day in the nice cocoon of the blanket cave today but the combination of people landscaping and the dogs barking at them since 7:30 this morning has kind of killed that.

Anyway, for someone who hates drama I sure seem to be chock full of it at this point. It's not my fault, I swear! Ha. Stupid insincere people bent on psuedo self-destruction will hopefully have something to answer for. I swear it never fucking ends. Valerie and I went to trivia last night and that stupid cunt was there. HA. I love how she's really done nothing terrible and logically I realize this but I still want to punch her in her stupid "sloppy-drunk/daddy-issues/i-wont-look-at-you-cause-i'm-a-giant-pink-v" face because she's somehow come to represent the dissolution of any sort of normalcy I was starting to have in my life and because I never liked her much to begin with. Also because she totally invaded my sacred ground of pub trivia, which is apparently one more thing I can't do anymore. Woooo. I know I'm being childish and I seriously couldn't fucking care less. I have no respect I'm really worried about losing....actually I have nothing in general I'm really worried about losing. Take that bitches!

Placebo's "Song to Say Goodbye" is kind of on repeat for me right now. Not that I want to be bitter, I've got enough of that naturally without piling extraneous other-human induced bitterness on top of it. The good thing about this, if there is one, is that it's making me semi-motivated only in the hopes that I will never have to see these people and deal with their bullshit again. Honestly, I know I'm a giant fuck-up and a general waste of space when it comes to everyday life but man, seeing it in other people when they actually have things going for them kinda kicks me in the ass. Too bad I need to restart my whole life. I'm nearly certain I'm done with linguistics. Unless I find somewhere with a program I actually like, which doesn't seem likely at this point. So yeah...this should be interesting.

Oh and hell yes, Saved by the Bell: the college years is on. Zach is throwing a rave in his dorm. Screech is "dealing" nitrous. So sweet.

I don't think I'll ever be rid of this sand...

I went to the beach more this weekend than I have in probably the last 3 years combined. Well, during the day anyway. LA beaches are kinda ghetto. Not that I'm terribly concerned.

I've had like an hour and a half of sleep, an hour of which was on the train this morning. Speaking of the train, here's something I learned: I am a giant fucking retarded vagina sometimes. I really need to start pushing my boundaries again.

Some other things I learned:

-Being around groups of people in LA will totally make you remember why you fucking hate that place. People dress up to go to "dive" bars for fuck's sake.

-I am never drinking SoCo again. It was an experiment. It failed. This time instead of becoming a raging cunt I just became a brat. Yay me.

-My insecurities are fucking retarded. Who even knew I had them? Regardless, I need to stop listening to them. They don't matter.

-The reason I come off as so sarcastic at all times is because I have a really hard time being actually sincere in a face-to-face situation. How sad am I?

There's some other stuff. I can barely keep my eyes open as is, however.

Ok I'm awake now. I realized that Monday was the ten year anniversary of Nancy's death. I wrote it on my calendar and everything but I wasn't here on the day so I forgot. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it's good because it's not like I really need to be sadder than I already am. I hope someone remembered it for him though.

Also, I would be perfectly happy never, ever having to come back here again. Raeven is gone this week and leaving for Mexico in like two and a half weeks. Garrett is moving this weekend. Charles decided that having everything, his own life and friends wasn't good enough so he had to take what little remnants there were of mine as well. At this point the closest thing I have to some sort of friend/support-structure thing is my family. Yes, read that again. Now fucking shoot me.

It was...

the sun coming up over the mountain at nearly 6 am. My night was kind of really rad. I hope it was for everyone else.

I think I've had this kid thing all wrong...

Instead of hating them this whole time I really should have been making friends with them. They really are infinitely cooler than adults.

"If I only could make a deal with god..."

But I suppose that would actually require believing in one first...oh, practicalities.

Weekend = good. Sushi, liquor, tv, tide pools. I needed it. Yay for things that have absolutely no connection to my real life. Or the remnants of my real life because there really isn't all that much of a "real life" anymore except for stupid bullshit drama that I'd rather just blow off because I really can't be bothered to care anymore. Oh, running themes. Run-on sentences as well.

I found out tonight the one person I had left in fucking ghost-town is moving. It's totally rad for him and I'm happy for him, but I'm really sad for myself. Self-pity is fucking stupid. Beer is delicious though and also will hopefully make me do that night time thing. The one with the eyes being closed and the dreaming and all. I'm crossing my fingers as I type.

"If I could make a list, of my mistakes and regrets..."

I'd put your name on top and every line after it.

I don't know if that's just directed at one person at this point. I most certainly fucking mean it though. I am absolutely done trying to put myself second in line for people to try to make their lives easier. Not that it matters anyway cause I've no one left to put before myself at this point.

I keep doing stupider and stupider things. I cannot make myself care. Not about that, and not about any of this. I'm done with ghost town.

Last night was kind of nice. Disconnect is always good.

I seriously am a bad after school special...

all wrapped up in a fucking broken package.

I had a good weekend. I went to Magic Mountain. I rode Tetsu the super bestest roller coaster I've ever been on. I had other fun times as well. Then I missed my train which I think put me in a fucked up mood for reasons other than the actual missing of the train and that's pretty much set my course for the rest of the week it seems.

I've been to the doctor 3 times in one week. Tomorrow is going to make 4. I found out I have this tumor, but it's not cancerous or anything. What a metaphor for my life. Metaphors are fucking retarded. My body is also getting all kinds of fucked up due to my allergies and now my doctor is worried about my kidneys again so I got all of these tests and have to get another ultrasound and I have to save all my piss in a jug for 24 hours and then bring it to the lab. I feel like a fucking nutcase. I HAVE A GIANT JUG OF URINE IN MY FRIDGE.

So here's where the after school special comes in. Health problems make me reckless. Like right now I am entirely over life and any sort of motivation I once had for it. So I go to this show last night with a few people. I completely forget that I'm on medication (new allergy shit my doctor put me on that fucks me up like a mofo, painkillers for the stupid uterus that is still currently trying to kick its way out of my body) and that I've had a bunch of blood drawn and haven't eaten all day. I proceed to drink 4 whiskey and cokes. I then proceed to drink pretty much half a glass of vodka one of the people I was there with gave me cause she had to drive and didn't want to finish it.

I truly did feel fine for a while. I stopped drinking halfway through the show and I was good. Then the show ended and all of a sudden I could barely stand. Once we got to the car I decided to make myself puke so at least I wouldn't get any more drunk from the alcohol I'd yet to absorb. I semi-pass out in the backseat on the way back to my car in San Marcos. I mumble some incoherent things to the people up front. They drop me off at my car around 1 and I tell them I'm going to go pass out in my car for a while. Which I proceed to do in the Restaurant Row parking lot. Until 3 am. Oh but first I puke some more.

I'm such an idiot. I don't even care. I have no idea what I'm doing and I really don't care about that either. I need something more and I know this logically but I can't make myself do anything about it. Right now I'm just sick of doing everything alone, of facing all of this by myself. Going to the doctor for my tumor by myself and realizing "Wow I could very well be hearing that I'm going to die today and I'm going to have to hear it alone." Then I thought about how I would have to be the one to tell everyone and how I really don't want to do that so instead I just wouldn't tell anyone. HA.

The ridiculous thing is that this is what I wanted. I do get what I want a lot. Then I realize I really have no fucking clue what I want. Ever. I am seriously overrated.

Shoot to Kill...

Is it too terrible that I'm basically living on coffee, antacid, antihistamine, liquor, and painkillers? Those are all different nutrition groups, right?

Something in me hurts. It's all psychosomatic but that doesn't make it any better. Sometimes I just want to feel level without feeling dead inside. It's always one or the other with me, never a balance, always a study in extremes. This will all pass, but the past couple of nights have been so fucking hard. I've lost all will to vent anywhere but here, so just deal.

I think it's done....

I really don't know. It was a fun experiment at least.

Also, it kind of sucks that some of the detail is lost through taking the picture. Especially where the flash hits, which I unfortunately have to use due to the cave-like lighting situation in my room.

If it all makes sense, you're the furthest fucking gone...

As if it's not obvious, I've been listening to a ridiculous amount of Propagandhi. Not that the fact is very relevant to anything I'm about to write, except for that "Life at Disconnect" is my current anthem. Yay.

So surrealism. Last night Raeven and I went for a drive up the coast through Oceanside and around the harbor and such. We end up driving down this dark street and as I look out the window I start yelling and freaking out, "Oh my god, it's the motherfucking batmobile, turn around!" Seriously. So she turns around and we park and some person has a goddamn George Barris batmobile, as well as Herbie, on a trailer in front of his house. It was the most amazing, beautiful, other superlatives, random thing ever. I took pictures but my flash didn't really reach very far, so I've had to fuck with them a bit.






This weekend was such a cliched "summer is officially starting" weekend. I have some rather ridiculous pictures I'll put up at some point. Here's a tip though...



If you are at a giant house party, do not corner three drunk women and proceed to recite to them a 5 page "pirate poem" that your brother wrote in prison. This is the reaction you will get. I think I got up and walked away shortly after this picture was taken. He was probably on page 2 at that point.

P.S. I just remembered that I ended up scaring this guy away when he found us again at some point later in the night by yelling at him about fisting. Yeah, I'm rad.

Wheeeeee.

Here's some art I did last night:



So first is this shirt I painted with a picture of this "Safari Animal" monkey that I found in my shower mysteriously. Ha. I like the way it turned out cause it looks like some sort of cave-painting or petroglyph.




This is a piece I started last night. It's done in ink, which I never, ever work in, because I wanted it to be a cleaner, more cartooney looking thing. Almost tattoo-like. Since I usually work in charcoal it's kind of um....taking forever. Also, it doesn't look very good, but that's rather beside the point. It started out in my mind as the snake and heart bursting from a rib cage but as it grew I decided it needed some tits. It's not done but I'm not really sure where I'm going with it. It just needs something more.

I will never be free, If I'm not free now...

So Raeven and I are plotting. Destruction, creation, art crimes, revolutions...you know, all the goodness. I don't know if I can ever sleep again. I don't know if I can stay here anymore. I don't know if I should.

Aside from that I stare blankly a lot. I dream of things that will never happen.

Wait...

So I just had the strangest epiphany. I was listening to a song that a husband and wife were singing together and I all of a sudden could understand why people would want that. Marriage or relationship bullshit or whatever. I'm not saying I want it, but I never could understand the force behind it before. I want someone to make art with or make music with or do any of the stupid artfag things I like to do with. I probably don't want to love them though.

I have a feeling this is going to be my night. Random blog posting bullshit to preserve my idiocy. I want to just throw it out there, in the open. Rip me apart.

Odero si potero....

Hostis si quis erit nobis, amet ille puellas.

Yeah um....loneliness is fucking fantastic. It bothers me quite a bit that I even feel this way. It bothers me that in addition to drinking margaritas earlier, since I've been home I've had half a bottle of vodka. Straight. For no reason other than I'm an emotional fucking drunk today and apparently I'm retarded enough to not mind being a cliche. Let's cry like a stupid cunt over wasted life and youth and such. Wonderful.

Being home with my sister and her boyfriend makes me feel more alone than I could possibly care to. Having only two close friends essentially at this point, both of whom have their own lives and are preoccupied with them (as well they fucking should be), isn't helping so much either. Good thing I'm probably too drunk to do anything too ridiculous tonight, because everything is rather fleeting and futile. Seeing Byron randomly today was nice though. Tiny pleasures, mes amis.

"Goddamn the day that I was born, and the night that forced me from the womb. And goddamn this town."

I have dyke hair. It is rad.

I have a car. I can almost drive it for really-reals.

I got pretty fucking smashed last night because everyone and their fucking brother was at the bar. Ended up staying at Denny's until about 4 am with Reggie.

It's weird because I was distracting myself for a while, so nothing really hit me. The past week or so I've just been pretty much hibernating in my room so things have finally started to spark in my head, to sink in and settle, to become fucking real. It's bad, but not as bad as I thought.

I really want to go see Ministry and RevCo this weekend. I doubt it's going to happen for several reasons, such is life and things.

I unpacked about half of my books. It made me start to feel whole again.

Did i waste my time? I think i did- I worked for life

Turn and face the strange, eh? I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on, so I don't really feel the need to spell it all out here. I'm still working on a healthy plan of distraction, intoxication, and internalization. In all of their myriad forms.

I don't think I have much to really write. There's just too fucking much changing and beginning and ending. All I can think in are quotes and lyrics, retardedly enough. I just kinda wanted to let everyone know I'm still around, though maybe not in a very accessible way at the moment. Patience children, I'll be back at some point.