Oh Drunken Plans...

So Brett, Charles, and I are leaving tonight for San Francisco. We randomly decided this on Monday night while drunk at the bar and now it's happening. Yay. We'll be back Sunday, so it's going to be a fairly short trip but I hope it will be fun. We're planning on seeing Joe and Ross so that should be cool at least.

Now I've got to do a shit ton of mundane things, like laundry, before we leave. Wheee.

I'm always falling over me

I woke up on Sunday morning and felt normal for the first time in months. I know there's a good chance I may never feel that again. I'm still processing that. I'm still processing a lot actually. So it goes.

Oh noes!

My future husband is trapped in Lebanon. /me cries.

In better news I think I'm finally getting paid. My check was sent out last week, or so I hear.

I'd only come here seeking me. It seems I came to leave.

It's interesting when you really start being honest with yourself. About who you are, about your fucking motives. About what drives you. I don't pretend to understand completely what I'm doing right now, but I know I'm not a good person. I've always thought that, I've always said it in a somewhat sarcastic manner, but it really is true.

It's sad when you start realizing the patterns you repeat. And that most people don't really know you. Though I know that's entirely my fault. I'm ridiculously guarded. Maybe I should change it. I'm not really sure. Actually, fuck yes I should. I just realized this while reading over this post. I'm going through this whole "stop fucking hiding things" deal right now. Including aspects of myself. It's all poison and stress and bullshit. It's not as though I'm embarassed or really ashamed of things I do or who I am. I'm not afraid to take responsibility or to feel repercussions. I think I told Raeven every "secret" I have yesterday. Man I am all kinds of "make no sense".

I had this thought earlier that it's a good thing that I haven't been driving much because I'd probably get overwhelming urges to drive into oncoming lanes. Turns out I was right. HA.

Ride the apocalypse!

I ended up sitting on a curb bawling and dry heaving at 5 in the morning. Then I disappeared like an inconsiderate asshole. Disconnect + recklessness = some motherfuckin' fun times.

I came home and went to sleep several hours later. I had a dream. Giant meteors were raining down. Before they hit the ground they would explode in giant showers of bright yellow-orange lava. I can still hear the sound. It was fucking loud. I was in my car and the explosions caused a giant tidal wave. It lifted my car up and everyone I was with died. The wave left me planted on the top of a skyscraper which was also a mountain. I woke up and decided that an hour was long enough to sleep. I never want to again.

Goddamn my symbolic dreams.

I think...

that I've slept for 24 hours out of the past 48. I'm so going into hibernation mode. I really really want my cave. I realized how little interest I have in anything around here. I mean, I know I was kind of over it all to a degree, but I became aware of how profound the feeling was last night. I guess that much is good to know.

I need to make some fucking decisions. I need to get a stupid job so I can actually have some money. Then I need to get the fuck out of here. School can wait, if it needs to. I guess I have to make some sort of decision about where I'm moving to, but that can wait for the time being.

My head isn't working right at the moment. I just woke up. I need to work this all out though.

Jesus Fuck.

How does it all of a sudden feel like it's all falling into place? How is "Beloved" the best song ever even though it's basically a progressive trance song? How are we both so much fucking cooler than we ever were together? Why did tonight kinda feel like a non-sexual cock tease? Le sigh.

Also, anger makes me evil. I'm glad I'm done with it. At least that kind. I'm also in a ridiculously good state of mind right now. Yay for that.

I swear I'm a fucking genius sometimes.

Also, I must say that the weekends where I'm not getting any pretty much blow.

I met a tiny Native psychic tonight. Swear.

Lies are for cool kids...

Garth and I are not cool to a ridiculous degree. UKK represent!

You know what's fun?

Yeah, me either. But I'm determined to find out. It's either this or build a permanent blanket cave.

Which, now that I think about it, would be Fucking Awesome.

Awwww.

So sad. Apparently I've set off some sort of bullshit drama reaction with one of my posts. Sorry, wasn't really aware people who I only know peripherally are for some reason reading my blog. But yeah....it's not like I was naming names. I fucking rant on here. I vent. I'm angry for no fucking reason sometimes. So I said some fucked up things. I also acknowledged that I was being childish and that logically I was in the wrong. So....Get.Over.It. I'm not trying to start some chain reaction bullshit either. I seriously don't care.

Photosmorgasbord

So I'm playing around with Picasa and its new web album thing so all new pictures can be found here, as well as a few older-but-on-the-newer-end
galleries.

I also made public a bunch of galleries that were formerly set to private on my yahoo account though most of them honestly aren't of much interest to anyone but those in the pictures. Ha.

Has it gotten old yet?

Cause it seriously has for me. I swear at this point I'm wary of waking up and making contact with the world because some other sort of bullshit is going to be brought to my attention. In fact, I would have liked to be able to live all day in the nice cocoon of the blanket cave today but the combination of people landscaping and the dogs barking at them since 7:30 this morning has kind of killed that.

Anyway, for someone who hates drama I sure seem to be chock full of it at this point. It's not my fault, I swear! Ha. Stupid insincere people bent on psuedo self-destruction will hopefully have something to answer for. I swear it never fucking ends. Valerie and I went to trivia last night and that stupid cunt was there. HA. I love how she's really done nothing terrible and logically I realize this but I still want to punch her in her stupid "sloppy-drunk/daddy-issues/i-wont-look-at-you-cause-i'm-a-giant-pink-v" face because she's somehow come to represent the dissolution of any sort of normalcy I was starting to have in my life and because I never liked her much to begin with. Also because she totally invaded my sacred ground of pub trivia, which is apparently one more thing I can't do anymore. Woooo. I know I'm being childish and I seriously couldn't fucking care less. I have no respect I'm really worried about losing....actually I have nothing in general I'm really worried about losing. Take that bitches!

Placebo's "Song to Say Goodbye" is kind of on repeat for me right now. Not that I want to be bitter, I've got enough of that naturally without piling extraneous other-human induced bitterness on top of it. The good thing about this, if there is one, is that it's making me semi-motivated only in the hopes that I will never have to see these people and deal with their bullshit again. Honestly, I know I'm a giant fuck-up and a general waste of space when it comes to everyday life but man, seeing it in other people when they actually have things going for them kinda kicks me in the ass. Too bad I need to restart my whole life. I'm nearly certain I'm done with linguistics. Unless I find somewhere with a program I actually like, which doesn't seem likely at this point. So yeah...this should be interesting.

Oh and hell yes, Saved by the Bell: the college years is on. Zach is throwing a rave in his dorm. Screech is "dealing" nitrous. So sweet.

I don't think I'll ever be rid of this sand...

I went to the beach more this weekend than I have in probably the last 3 years combined. Well, during the day anyway. LA beaches are kinda ghetto. Not that I'm terribly concerned.

I've had like an hour and a half of sleep, an hour of which was on the train this morning. Speaking of the train, here's something I learned: I am a giant fucking retarded vagina sometimes. I really need to start pushing my boundaries again.

Some other things I learned:

-Being around groups of people in LA will totally make you remember why you fucking hate that place. People dress up to go to "dive" bars for fuck's sake.

-I am never drinking SoCo again. It was an experiment. It failed. This time instead of becoming a raging cunt I just became a brat. Yay me.

-My insecurities are fucking retarded. Who even knew I had them? Regardless, I need to stop listening to them. They don't matter.

-The reason I come off as so sarcastic at all times is because I have a really hard time being actually sincere in a face-to-face situation. How sad am I?

There's some other stuff. I can barely keep my eyes open as is, however.

Ok I'm awake now. I realized that Monday was the ten year anniversary of Nancy's death. I wrote it on my calendar and everything but I wasn't here on the day so I forgot. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it's good because it's not like I really need to be sadder than I already am. I hope someone remembered it for him though.

Also, I would be perfectly happy never, ever having to come back here again. Raeven is gone this week and leaving for Mexico in like two and a half weeks. Garrett is moving this weekend. Charles decided that having everything, his own life and friends wasn't good enough so he had to take what little remnants there were of mine as well. At this point the closest thing I have to some sort of friend/support-structure thing is my family. Yes, read that again. Now fucking shoot me.